Monday, July 12, 2010

this is not a moon.

i'm doing the best i can. every morning i wake up and i pray for happiness. i tell myselfv i'm going to be happy. and i have been relatively happy. but i think i've only been happy because i've been lying to myself. i look back on these days where i thought i felt complete and whole and i realize i was only numb. like i took some anesthetic and applied it to my brain. i have all of these things i wish that i could be. i wish i could be happy. i wish it so much that i half way had myself convinced that i was. every time i have a sad thought or am reminded of something that tends to upset me, i ignore it. i get myself involved in something else. i take my mind off of the pain. and now i know that i'm not getting rid of it, i'm just putting it off. pain is inevitable. and i'm running back to the same fixes i used to. false fixes. things that don't help me but hurt me. does anyone know me? do you think you know me and you don't? let me tell you a few things. i avoid phone calls. i hate small talk with a passion. so if i haven't seen you in a while and i see you somewhere, i will do the best i can to avoid you. i promise. it never fails. i love my friends. i hate partying. it makes me feel sick to my stomach. and some of you, that's all that you do. you party. and you ask me to hang out and i feel sick to my stomach. i want to hurt myself all the time. sometimes i hope i sprain my ankle. just because it's consistent. it's something i can always count on. i avoid my reflection at all costs. i have a hard time trusting people. because it always gets back to me that they said something about me behind my back. and then i never trust them again. this is why i detach myself from people. why give my heart to someone who is going to give it to someone else when i'm not looking? i'm sick of trying to be everything. i'm sick of existing for the people around me. for once, i'd like to want to wake up in the morning for me. because i want to see the day. i'd like to go one day without being afraid that i have no future. that i have no talents. that i'm stupid. worst of all, that no one will want me. i haven't seen any evidence of it thus far. everyone i want either likes my best friend, thinks i have a "nice personality", or lies to me. i'm very done. i'm done being hurt by people. i want to stop the world for a little while so i can have some peace. so i can be happy jusy being me. but it won't happen. tomorrow, i'll wake up in the hopes that maybe one day i'll be good enough for this stupid guy. i always think i'm over him and then he pops up in my subconscious and wrecks everything. just pray for me please. i obviously need it.

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