five days.

pulling weeds is the worst form of torture. it must have been in alighieri's seventh circle.

six days.

i would rather be charlotte charles than myself. not only because she's beautiful but because even though she can't touch the pie maker, at least she knows that he's in love with her.


and oh, the familiar sting of rejection. does it last forever? i hate going to weddings. they just remind me that i'll probably never get married.

seven days.

i really want to see macgruber. somethin fierce. anyone wanna go with me?

eight days.

the hardest part about going somewhere is knowing that you have to come back.

nine days.

when my soul saw you, it kind of went, "oh. there you are. i've been looking for you."

ten days.

nuff said.

twelve days.

your virtue is my privilege: for that
it is not night when i do see your face,
therefore i think i am not in the night.
nor doth this wood lack worlds of company,
for you in my respect are all the world.
then how can it be said i am alone,
when all the world is here to look on me?

fourteen days.

i always say, "everything happens for a reason." and i firmly believe that. or, i did. but last night a good friend of mine said, "no, i don't believe that. jesus wouldn't make horrible things happen. i think that bad things happen and we can choose what to make from them." and that makes more sense, i think. so i'm gonna go with that.

sixteen days.

l'heure du choix a sonne.

seventeen days.

when did being a lesbian become cooler than blowing a rockstar?

eighteen days.

do you ever find yourself thinking, "i wish i were beautiful" ?

twenty days.

i'm reading survivor right now. it's a palahniuk book. i've read it once before and i enjoyed it. i just realize why i need to take time between my bouts of palahniuk ingestion. yes, the man is a genius. yes, his writing provokes more thought in me than any other writing ever has or will. but it's all the truth. and we all know that nobody wants to hear the whole truth about anything. if you're out there looking all indignant, saying that you do want the truth, then start by being honest with yourself. you don't really want to know if you look fat in that dress. or if you're ugly. or if you annoy everyone around you. we ask those things so that people will tell us we aren't those things. that we look fabulous in that dress and we're beautiful and that everyone loves us. don't lie, it's true. so when you're reading palahniuk and he's telling you about the rush some people get from murder or the smell of someone's head after you just shot a bullet through it or the humiliation some men go through just to masturbate, you have to remind yourself it isn't just a story. this is real stuff. these things actually happen. and i get a real kick out of knowing that there is someone out there who's brave enough to write it all down. who has no problem making people feel uncomfortable. chuck palahniuk is a visionary. i suggest you open your mind a little bit, no matter how difficult it is to hear. because once you get over that hurdle, just about anything is possible. and hey, i bet you're beautiful. i think you are.

i rode my heelies to the walmart.

i'm trying to learn that i am not this person. i'm not this person who hates and hurts and suffers. growing up, i always thought that my dream was to be loved. and who could blame me, right? we see all of these movies and read all of these books with these beautiful people who hurt for a little bit and then find each other. and because of one another their problems are solved. maybe for some people this is true. maybe this will happen to you. i hope it does, because it really is a pretty story. but i think as a child i had it backwards. my dream is not to be loved, but to love. i have found recently that i have made myself pretty difficult to love. no, i am not saying that i'm not lovable or that no one loves me, i just realized that i won't let anyone love me. why? why would i do this when it's all i've ever wanted? it's because i'm afraid. i think cowardice is one of the most unfortunate things a person can practice, so it's difficult for me to own up to it. but i know that i need to. i'm so scared of messing up, of being hurt or hurting someone who means the world to me, of regretting, that i don't try at all. what is that? who have i become? i am not that person. i won't be anymore. but i need to start from the beginning. i can't expect myself to heal all at once and i definitely can't expect myself to feel worthy right away either. so i'm going to start by challenging myself. my heart is full up to the brim with sweet words and songs. but those are not for me, they are for you. and what good would i be doing anyone to hold those things inside? everyone needs help sometimes. and help doesn't always take the form of giving someone a hand with their chores or answering a question your mom had about some actor in a movie. sometimes the only help we need is someone telling us that we're beautiful and worthy and that our lives are special and important. so i'm going to do that. because i can't think of one person who doesn't deserve to be loved completely. and i know that once i allow myself to love others, i'll allow myself to be really loved. and in a world like ours, love is really all we have. so why waste anytime doing otherwise?

i'd fight the yeti for a klondike bar.

so, special friends, it appears we meet again. when i call you special, i say it with the utmost respect. i don't mean you have down syndrome, although every last one of you does. you might be wondering, "oh my goodness, how very brazen of her to joke about down syndrome. i wonder if she feels bad?" and my answer to you all is, no. i do not. this is mainly because my mom raised me to not have feelings or care about other people. yesterday i was tired. all day. that's mainly what i did yesterday, was to be tired. i feel asleep on the couch but i was only half asleep and i was aware of everything going on around me. i don't know how to explain it, but it was terrifying. i kept trying to call out for my mom or something but i couldn't get any of my speech or motor skills to work. it was cweepy. later on dawn and i drove to gridley and then back here. and i worked on kevin's birthday present and watched the movie spread. in which ashton kutcher looks really, really hot but it has a suckass ending. i'd watch it again though, just to see him in those suspenders (kevin). my dad and i are going to yuba city now because starbucks is having happy hour and i'm totally down for that. but not down syndrome, like all of you. lots of assorted kisses.

but i ain't gonna go see it at midnight.

i'm at my friend dave's house (you don't know him) and my other friend dayla is with us. (you don't know him either.) no, i'm just kidding. you probably know dayla. you probably, maybe, hopefully know dave too. but if not, it is all your loss. we had a fun night last night. we ransacked the walmart in linda and dayla rode around in one of those lame little scooter things for those people who struggle with walking and whatnot. it was pretty funny but she got way more of a kick out of it than dave or i did. it was pretty funny though how when she reversed it was all, "BEEP BEEP BEEP!" and then we came back here and i showed dave some whitest kids you know and tim and eric videos. andrew, i don't know if you read this, but i have sad news. all of my friends here, aside from dawnathan, just really don't think tim and eric are funny. it breaks my heart, you know. i just heard on the telly that they're going to do something about california's gang violence at four o'clock today. all i have to say to those people is, "no. you're not." hopefully we're going to visit mcaa today. to see madame marks. and maybe a few of those other people who i actually like. did you know dave's wallet has mickey mouse on it? no. i'm not april fooling you. it does. i'll write more tonight. let you know what happens today, chums.

boomshakalaka boom.

happy mother's day to all of you happy mothers out there. this morning started out rather bumpy, i daresay. my mom was all upset because dawn and i slept in. between you and i, i'm not a fan of the church i was raised in so i wasn't all too eager to get myself in there. but i had an incredibly fun night last night. i went swimming with dawnathan and my sisterdarling. in the NUDDYPANTS. i've never been quite so daring in my life, friends. and so i am turribly proud. and then dawn and i came back to her mum's pad and i made a beastly cheesecake that changed the lives of all who had the honor of being graced by it's exquisite taste. no, i'm just kidding. but it was pretty good. anyway, the point of this blog is for me to tell you how much i love my mother. if you've met her, you know she's not a normal mom. hell, if you've met me you know she's not a normal mom. but i couldn't have hoped to be raised by a more loving, inventive, hilarious, creative, and original person. and she is the reason i am the person i am today. and also, the reason most of my friends stick around. :P mom, if you read this, i want youto know that you're my best friend. i can't imagine surviving through this life without the guidance and love you've shown me. and i'm not even complaining about all of your wisecracks, sarcasms, and witticisms i've had to suffer through because, thank yaweh, i came out with those qualities. you're the most beautiful person i know and i can only hope to be half as brave, strong, and absolutely brilliant as you are. i love you, my mom. and i'll always, always be there to make sure that you don't fall asleep on the couch and get a crick in your neck. you're my reason, mom. thank you for everything.

not feeling so hot.

i think, mentally, today is going to be a good day. i woke up at a decent hour, i'm with dawn, surrounded by family, we're going to take my cousin a dress so i get to visit her, dawn got a new phone that i'm in love with and that she's letting me use to text my dear friends. but physically i'm not too well. my ankle kills, first of all. i think maybe i should stop walking on it normally. because that hurts when i do that, and yet i still do. no, it's not some weirdo form of masochism. it's more of a pride thing. like, "oh yeah, i sprained my ankle again. but it's not so bad this time." even though i actually think it might be the worst this time. you'd think i'd realize it's not going to heal unless i start to treat myself with respect. but how about you let me know when the sky turns purple and i'll let you know that i respect myself? more importantly, on the physical thing, i'm feeling nauseous again. i woke up around eight and got dressed and felt completely ill, so i thought i'd lay down again and sleep it off. well, i just had a few hours of fevered sleep in which i slept on my ankle funny, worsening it's pain, and when i woke up i felt just as nauseous if not moreso. i don't want to throw up today. i'm tired of it. i just want a nice, pleasant day. what's wrong with me? seriously. but last night i made a really beautiful marble cake that i let cool over night. i was going to try it today but, lo and behold, i can't stomach anything. everyone told me it was bitching though. so i'm proud of myself. something else i thought was funny, jordan and i walked up to the store the other day and we were sharing my ipod and after a while she ripped the headphone out of her ear. i said, "jordan. why did you do that?" and she said, "you listen to the weirdest crap that no one's ever heard of. i'm not in the mood." i felt accomplished then. btw david, i don't know if you'll read this but i appreciated coffee yesterday and had an absolutely splendid time. definitely zero on the pants scale. :P okay, well i love you all. and i was thinking yesterday, all of the people i love are incredibly beautiful, intelligent, and just all around attractive people. i hope you're one of them, for your sake. lots of assorted kisses.

i need to stop biting my nails.

the following is a list of movies i wanted to watch today:
zombieland
whip it
superbad
300
iron man
the matrix

i never got around to any of them. i hope i do soon. they all sound really appealing. by the way, who's going to see iron man 2 tonight? because i really envy you. not only will it be brilliant due to the nature of it's existence, but robert downey jr. will be gracing the screen with his presence and i feel very sad and hurt by the fact that i cannot see him. on the big screen. with his bod. but, que sera, sera i suppose. i think i'm going to go into the living room now and watch the proposal. and if you're thinking it's strictly because i get to see a hot, sweaty ryan reynolds chopping away at a log with an axe, you're correct. it's just a happy accident that he also cracks me up when he sings, "it takes two to make a thing go right! it takes two to make it outta sight!" i also love how sandra bullock totally drops it low around the fire. that made my life when i saw that. i'd like to go dancing with her someday. she can bring ryan reynolds and i'll bring robert downey jr. and we'll just have a good ol' time. someone asked me the other day, "if you had a friend who talked about you the way you talk about yourself, how long would they be your friend?" honestly, they wouldn't be my friend for very long. not long at all. what do you think you'd say? anyway, i'm off to view the supreme talents of ryan (probably ryan reynolds to you because you aren't best chums like we are.) lots of assorted kisses, sweet friends.

the last of the mohicans.

i meant to post last night, but my dad decided he was going to defrag the computer and throw in some virus protection. so i just drugged myself and went to bed. i slept until three today. it felt positively fantastic. if sleeping were a career, i'd hit it up immediately. so, yesterday dawn and i sat around a bunch doing nothing and then went to gridley for the dolla tree. which made me late for glee. i was upset, needless to say. but i got the gist of it. and today i did pretty much the same. but i finished the austere academy and started the sweet and far thing. so i'm doing something kind of worthwhile. then dawnathan and i went on a drive because i can't stand being in one place for so long. it really helped to clear my mind. and now we're back home, my mother yapping in the kitchen about how i need to do the dishes and blah blah blah, jordan trying on her clothes for school tomorrow, dad lounging about in his room, mathew talking incessantly on the phone as per usual, and dawn is sitting in the living room waiting for me to do the dishes so that we can go to her mom's to watch taking woodstock. while we do that, she's going to do her homework and i'm going to work on kevin's birthday gift. please do me a favor and go listen to, "song to the siren" by this mortal coil. look at the lyrics while you do. it's really beautiful. oh, another thing, go to google, type in "google chuck norris" and click the i'm feeling lucky button. you won't regret it, i promise. lots of assorted kisses.

and today was a day just like any other.

my ankle is sprained again. i'm to the point where if it's not in pain every few weeks i suspect something is the matter. anyway, i walked on it a lot today so that definitely didn't help. but i believe my ankle may have laughed earlier due to the fact that dawn ran over my little brother's foot. he had a tire mark on it and everything. she felt really awful, but it was truly his fault. the car was still moving and he tried to get out. silly little bitch. anyway, that definitely brightened my mood. then dawn and i went to the bank to cash her check, came back to live oak to get her marriage license so she could legally change her name on her bank account, and went back to the bank. luckily for me, it was the wells fargo in bel air, so i got to look through magazines as i waited. and by magazines i mean the men's journal because the future father of my children was on the cover this month. for those of you less fortunate souls who are not acquainted with him, his name is robert downey jr. and i have every intention of creating offspring with him. because he's gorgeous and more talented than most humans. so, i'll tap it. anyway, dawn and i went out to dinner and immediately after i felt like i was dying. because for the last few months my body just decides sometimes that it's going to reject nutrition and make me feel like my insides are deteriorating. needless to say, it's a painful process. and i did heave. that's twice in one week. not my personal best, but definitely up there. top marks, i'd say. i make light of it, but it really is starting to take it's toll on me. throwing up shouldn't be common, that's not a good sign. did anyone find out how a raven is like a writing desk yet? hey, if i fall into a coma will somebody please come read peter pan to me? but you have to do with a british accent. it's pointless if read otherwise.

i'm not quite sure whether i'm making a mistake yet.

i've started a lot of blogs. some of them were incredibly short lived and others were far too extensive. but i always quit. and i can't make any promises here either. my mind is ever changing and i grow bored with myself a lot faster than most people grow bored of anything. but i think i manage better when i write things down. because i over think everything i do and everything i say and everything people say to me or do to me or ask of me. even the nice things, the lovely things. the things that make you want to smell flowers and feel the sun on your eyelids. those things make me cringe. not because they aren't beautiful but because i think on them to the extent that all i see are the ugly, traitorous thoughts my own mind has to offer. and so perhaps if i write them down they won't lurk around in my brain like lurking lurkers and i can enjoy the little things. but i guess we'll just have to see. lately i've been wondering, how is a raven like a writing desk? there must be something that the two share in common. maybe a long lost love? maybe a simultaneous day dream? or maybe they went to college together. i don't know. but thoughts are welcome. for now, i leave you with assorted kisses and the sentiment good day.