Wednesday, July 28, 2010

what a capital idea!

how in the hell am i supposed to look good in a hard hat? answer me that. it is a feat with which i struggle every day. i'm learning new tricks though, guys. no worries. i'm hoping to say a lot more in this post. i know lately my posts have been sparse, and i apologize for that if it bothered you any. i've just been so overwhelmingly busy. it's 6:25 and i'm dead tired. it hasn't been like this since senior year when i was doing plays. i love it. i feel like myself again. i think that's a quality i get from my dad. he's my boss and honestly, i've never seen a more charismatic and strong leader than he is. i knew he was good at his job, but seeing him in action is something else altogether. my first day on the job, i was terrified going in. it was three in the morning, i walk onto this job site absolutely bursting with men and heavy equipment. seriously, the testosterone was almost tangible. i had no idea what i was going to be doing. all i knew was that i had to be direct and forward with people and if you know me, you know that's not something i'm good at. i'm about a mile away from my mom and dad all day around all of these strange, bulky dudes. people are getting angry at me because i won't let them cross the bridge due to safety hazards. it's hot as balls. there's no where to sit. and no where to pee. and guess what? i rocked it. my dad got five or six compliments on me the first day. i'm not here to brag. i'm writing this down because for the first time in a long time, i'm proud of myself. my mother and i are two of only four women on this job. and it's a one hundred man job. i've met some of the most amazing people and i'm only half way through my second week. there are three different companies working on the project. magnus is the company that supplies the money and safety regulations. they're the head honchos. contractor services group (csg) are the contractors actually working on the project. and traffic management incorporated (tmi) controls safety of pedestrians and flagging on construction, that's me. there's val (csg), who my mom says she'd marry if she hadn't met my dad. he's short and italian and has a wicked beard. today he asked me if i'd give him ten percent of my pay check because he's awesome. we're discussing payment options tomorrow. there's shelly (magnus) who makes biscuits and gravy for the whole crew on tuesdays. pappy (csg) told me i had balls for doing this job and that i'm a smart girl. he also told this guy he would kick his ass if he caught him looking at me funny again. he's freaking awesome. brad (tmi) works across the levee from me. he says the funniest things over the radio. like, "well, if i'd have known that was poison oak, i wouldn't have scratched my back with it." then there's tim (csg) who saw me take my vest off to put sunblock on and has been spreading the word that i need a pay raise because i also strip on top of the levee. the boss of csg, john, has a full sleeve. and my parents were concerned about my lip ring. pshaw. there's a man with ocd who walks by me every day and waves hello to me three times and good bye once. there was a lady who put a witch craft curse on me the other day. i told her to have a good one. i have this squirrel that i see every day. he's missing a leg but he runs faster than any squirrel i've ever seen. brad suggested i call him tiny tim, so i do. sorry for rambling, i just have a lot to catch up on. i don't want to forget anything about this. i play "you make my dreams come true" over my radio for my coworkers as often as i can. i wear a reflective vest, steel toed boots, and a hard hat. i wake up at five every day for the hour commute and get to work at 6:45. we have a safety meeting and then we do stretch and flex. tim dared me to touch my toes and when i did, he touched the ground palms down. i was like, "WTF?!" it's the hardest work i've ever done. but i laugh often and am growing closer with my parents through it. i appreciate them a lot more now. oh, i have a guy i like too. but i'm not going to say anything here in case he stumbles upon it and gets all freaked out. to the point though, he's adorable. i'm getting a phone this weekend. :) i'll text you, i'm sure.
i love your life,
brianna.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

writer's block.

this is supposed to be about someone i judged by my first impression of them. and i honestly can't think of anyone. at least, i can't remember my first impression of anyone who really matters. sincerest apologies,
-brianna.

Friday, July 23, 2010

a lovely compliment heard over my radio.

ron: "hey, bradley. do you hear those bells i was talking about yesterday?"
brad: "those aren't bells. that's brianna singing."
i love my job. and the people i work with. and the life that i'm living.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

i'm not dead yet.

but it's a work in progress. i'm dead tired, for sure. i can hardly keep my eyes open, guys. i stand on my feet more than a hooker. at least they have the luxury of lying down on the job. hit me up, please. i miss people.
-b.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

to whom it may concern,

out of clutter, find simplicity. from discord, find harmony. in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
that's all i have to say to you. good luck in life.
-brianna.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

dear kevin,

do you remember our cowboys and indians party? how we played mao an obscene amount of times before finally getting tired of it? you might remember different things about that night, things i don't remember but that were important to you. or maybe weren't important, just vivid. i have the strangest memories of that night. like how you wore my glasses. and that chocolate santa clause i drew the balls onto. and thinking how easy it was for me to laugh with you. and i was shocked that i ever disliked you. no, i didn't dislike you. i just thought i ultimately would. when i came back home, i wasn't doing well. andrew and micah were good to me and they made me feel better frequently. but you were the real saving grace. i don't know if you're aware, but you have this knack for saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time. and i completely get your sense of humor. i know i've said all of this before, in your birthday gift. but i'm saying it now because i have a few things to add. this letter is supposed to be written to someone who is on my mind a lot and, right now, that's you. i hate what's happened and i can't help but feel responsible. i would never have meant for this to happen on purpose. you're so important to me. but i know i played a big part in how our friendship is now. i know we still have a friendship. but it's not the same one. it's not as strong as it used to be. i know this distance makes it difficult. but for six months we managed to work it out. i think i just got scared. because you're really leaving soon and i don't know how much i'll get to talk to you. once again, i've managed to prove my stupidity. because i always seem to choose the worst way possible to go about something while thinking that it's the best way. but i can't do this anymore. i miss you. so much. i miss sending you stupid pictures every time i see something that i thought was funny. i miss texting you all the time. i miss being called poopy mcbrocock. actually, no i don't. but i can live with it. i just need you to know that i messed up. and i'm sorry. and i'm going to try to fix this, because i know i'm responsible. i miss you. i love you. i think i told you once that i could tell you 'i love you' every minute and it wouldn't be enough. it's still incredibly true.
i love you. i love you. i love you.
poopy.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

dear desire and expectation,

i wish i could write this letter. but i think to do that, i'd have to actually know what i hope to be. and, as my mom so aptly states, i can't just pick one dream. one day i want to go to seattle, and the next i want to work in a movie theater, and the next i want to move to ireland, and then culinary school, and then italy. there's no way i can choose. my dad told me that i'm not going to get a sense of direction until i leave it to the Lord. the worst part of this is that i already knew that. but, for some reason, i'm being proud. and i want to do this on my own. even though i know can't. i know that i wish i could be everything for everyone. but i can't. it literally breaks me when i know someone is upset with me for something. in a way that my family doesn't understand. i feel so alone sometimes. and i really handle it the wrong way. i push people away to save myself the pain of loving them. i'm still learning. i have about a billion more mistakes to make. but at least i'm not numb anymore. at least now when i think of things that would make anyone depressed i can cry a little bit. and when great things happen i'm genuinely happy. i'm not wearing this mask anymore that says, "i'm happy all the time." even though i thought i was. it's strange how we lie to ourselves. i need someone to shake me. honestly. someone should come over here right now and say, "stop it. just be you. stop trying to be what you think you should be." this is tough. i hate it. i hate being so far away from the people i love. and having the world i live in collapse around me. i'm not okay. i need a real friend right now. but i'm struggling to allow it. i guess i just hope that soon i'll let it be.
-brianna.

here's where i rescind.

i'm writing this from a touch phone. it's that important to me. and it is. i won't sleep until i clear this up. boys, i love you. i miss you every day. please re-read my oregon letter. but this time, know that i'm hating on myself. not on you. never on you. these misunderstandings hurt me deeply. please come to me next time you think i'm finished with you. as far as i'm concerned, i'll never be finished. i love you guys. always. please text me on my cousin's phone when you're done with this. i have more to say. i love you.
poopy.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

oh lawdy.

i drug test today. let's hope the cocaine is out of my system and i pass that mother f.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

dear peter pan,

and harry potter, and wendy, and ron, and hermione, and captain hook, and lord voldemort, and dumbledore. i'm supposed to write to someone from my childhood. since i already wrote to my mom and sister and me and my dad didn't kick it much and mathew was just a baby, i'm going to write to the only other people i knew. this is mainly because i had no friends. and i'm totally okay with that. because i was a well read individual before most of the kids my age could even spell their last names properly. yes, this is me flipping you off. i didn't need stupid monkey bars because i had neverland, and i didn't need club houses because i had hogwarts. while all of you little ankle biters ran around slurping up your own drool and passing herpes around in the third grade, i was actually learning things. it's a marvel, isn't it? and i don't feel badly for any of you. this is what you get for leaving me out and making fun of me. the ironic part is, you made fun of me because i was more intelligent than you. sadly, because i was so young, i didn't realize that you idiots were insulting yourselves. if i could go back in time, i'd be sure to comfort all of you in the thought that gas stations are always hiring. i'm not where i thought i'd be right now, but i'm getting there. my mom told me today that i need to just pick one of my dreams and roll with it. the only problem with that plan is that my dreams change everyday. right now, i want to go to AUR. tomorrow i may not. but whatever happens, happens. i'm sure you can tell the anger in this letter isn't really toward a bunch of third graders. i'm harboring a lot of rage over other things i refuse to talk about here. so it's nice to take it out on those little bitches. i hope it hurts. btw, thanks for helping raise me harry potter and peter pan. it's always a pleasure. to you other bitches, suck a dick.
-b.

Monday, July 12, 2010

modest mouse is the key.


i wish i could forgive you. but i get so angry every time i see you or anyone associated with you. and then i'm back where i was. and i wonder why it's always me apologizing in my dreams when you're the one who fucked up. you're the one who hurt me.

this is not a moon.


i'm doing the best i can. every morning i wake up and i pray for happiness. i tell myselfv i'm going to be happy. and i have been relatively happy. but i think i've only been happy because i've been lying to myself. i look back on these days where i thought i felt complete and whole and i realize i was only numb. like i took some anesthetic and applied it to my brain. i have all of these things i wish that i could be. i wish i could be happy. i wish it so much that i half way had myself convinced that i was. every time i have a sad thought or am reminded of something that tends to upset me, i ignore it. i get myself involved in something else. i take my mind off of the pain. and now i know that i'm not getting rid of it, i'm just putting it off. pain is inevitable. and i'm running back to the same fixes i used to. false fixes. things that don't help me but hurt me. does anyone know me? do you think you know me and you don't? let me tell you a few things. i avoid phone calls. i hate small talk with a passion. so if i haven't seen you in a while and i see you somewhere, i will do the best i can to avoid you. i promise. it never fails. i love my friends. i hate partying. it makes me feel sick to my stomach. and some of you, that's all that you do. you party. and you ask me to hang out and i feel sick to my stomach. i want to hurt myself all the time. sometimes i hope i sprain my ankle. just because it's consistent. it's something i can always count on. i avoid my reflection at all costs. i have a hard time trusting people. because it always gets back to me that they said something about me behind my back. and then i never trust them again. this is why i detach myself from people. why give my heart to someone who is going to give it to someone else when i'm not looking? i'm sick of trying to be everything. i'm sick of existing for the people around me. for once, i'd like to want to wake up in the morning for me. because i want to see the day. i'd like to go one day without being afraid that i have no future. that i have no talents. that i'm stupid. worst of all, that no one will want me. i haven't seen any evidence of it thus far. everyone i want either likes my best friend, thinks i have a "nice personality", or lies to me. i'm very done. i'm done being hurt by people. i want to stop the world for a little while so i can have some peace. so i can be happy jusy being me. but it won't happen. tomorrow, i'll wake up in the hopes that maybe one day i'll be good enough for this stupid guy. i always think i'm over him and then he pops up in my subconscious and wrecks everything. just pray for me please. i obviously need it.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

dear danielle,

this letter is to be written to someone out of my state. and you're the person i'd like to write to. i really appreciate you. knowing that you read these things that i write is very important to me. and i want you to know i read everything that you write too. i think i'm going to start commenting on them, actually. because i know it's nice to have some feedback. you're an amazing person, danielle. i know you're going through some struggles right now. it's best to focus on the things that make you happy. don't let the concerns you have for other people bring you down. i know what that's like. and i can tell you from experience that it feels so much better to be free of that. of everyone else's worries and problems. it's important to care for them still. but we don't need to take on their burdens. once you realize that a huge amount of the hurt and confusion in your life is actually the hurt and confusion in everyone else's life, you can let it go. for one minute, think about only you. about what makes you happy and where you need to go and be. think about the moments in your life when you're the happiest and the saddest. and get rid of the sad things. it sounds difficult. but once you realize that life is not about being in pain and being confused all the time, it's really easy to drop those unnecessary feelings. you have such a brilliant mind and so much potential to unleash on the world. don't doubt yourself. let it ride. that's what life is. it's not only about the struggles and pain. just let it ride. that's the best advice i can give to you. it's true freedom being able to walk out the door and just smell the air. to be able to just listen to music. or just watch a movie. it's the "just" things that matter. let yourself be happy. wholly happy. and then your life is going where it needs to go. other people matter. but other people don't matter. be happy, danielle. i have my sincerest wishes and hopes that you will be completely happy. if something is bothering you right now, as you're reading this, drop it. let it go. make yourself some tea or coffee and sit down with a great book. or a great movie. turn off your phone. find contentedness in being with yourself doing something you enjoy. you have this ability. you're such a strong person. have faith in yourself. you're going places, kid.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
love,
brianna.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

dear chloe,

this letter is supposed to be to the person i miss the most. i miss a lot of people a lot of the time. but right now i find myself regretting the most with you. you were the only one of my best friends who stayed near me. you were in yuba city almost every day. and i didn't come and see you. i mean, i did. i actually did as often as i could. but it's difficult i guess because you just moved away. and i don't have the option of just going and seeing you when i'd like to. i'm sorry for that, chlo. i love you so much. you're one of the most important people in my life and i am who i am because of you. i'll be seeing you soon, i know it. please forgive me for not going out of my way more. you're definitely worth it. i love you, chloworm.
love,
brianna.

there's no such thing as home.

it's all just an idea, i promise. this home that you think is home is really just the first one. it's like, we have this family. and we go off and we do stuff and eventually, we start ourselves a new family. and then our family will go off and start more families. and really it's just this whole chain reaction of like, creation. then we try to classify it in stages so that we can find comfort in where we're at, at that one particular moment in time. and really, there's no such thing as time. and we are all just walking, talking patterns.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

dear oregon,

we've known each other for over half a year, boys. i think there are three parts to our friendship. the first is the "get-to-know-you" stage. this is where we decided whether or not we liked each other, asked the stupid questions everyone asks one another, and started to understand what boundaries there were. next was the "honeymoon" stage where everything was peachy keen and we all loved eachother and i thought that sun shone through each of your asses. it seems to me that we've hit a wall. this is the stage i think we'll call the, "wow, i'm shocked you're not completely perfect in every way" stage. i'm glad you're not perfect in every way. it's stupid. and i shouldn't have assumed that you ever were. i still love all of you, very much. and you're still my best friends. but i think i was putting too much of myself into you. i was too dependent on you. i was always afraid you would leave me or stop liking me one day or decide i was really a stupid girl. but i've recently realized that i need to have more faith in myself instead of depending on other people to give me that faith. we're such different people, you guys. a big part of me wants to go back to march where we were all so happy with each other and everything was good. because honestly, it;s not that way anymore. i am your friend. and i don't like to hear that something i told one of you in confidence has been relayed to the group. or that i'm being talked about behind my back. i can't have that in my life again. especially from people who i love so much. so i'm going to give you guys some time to figure yourselves out. to find out where your lives are going and who you're going to be. and i'm going to do the same thing. and then i'm thinking it would be wonderful if we could all be reacquainted. please don't feel like i'm upset with you or that i don't want to be friends anymore. because it's just the opposite. i want to save our friendships before they end up being mandatory or fake. i never want to feel like i have to talk to you and i never want you to feel like you have to talk to me. i want it to be something we want to do. and somehow we've lost that. you guys may not see it. but take a step back and look at what our friendship used to be and what it is now. we've lost communication with one another. there have been misunderstandings that have hurt our feelings. so i'll be the first one to say something. this isn't right anymore. this isn't the friendship we started. and i'll be damned if i'm going to watch it get flushed down the toilet. this letter is supposed to be written to someone i've drifted away from. so micah, andrew, and kevin, you know i love you. it's important to me that you all stay in my life. we don't need secrets and lies and gossip. we're not fifteen. i know we're all finding out what we're supposed to do with our lives. i have no idea what i'm doing yet. but i do know i want you guys there with me. i just want the relationships we had a few months ago. and i'm hoping we can fix this.
love,
poopy.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

dear mr. murphy,

sorry i tp'd your house that time.
-brianna.

Monday, July 5, 2010

dear etc.,

i'm supposed to write this letter to the person who hurt me the most. it's not so easy to do. i think it really depends on how fresh the wound is for me to judge who hurt me the most. maybe in fourth grade when emily mckay tried to tell the police that my mom hit her i would have found that the most hurtful thing, because it was recent. maybe in tenth grade when sebastian openly slandered me in front of all of my friends because lukas told him to i would have thought that the worst pain i've ever felt, because it was recent. maybe when jakob rust lied to me last summer and told me he liked me but that he liked his girlfriend too, that would have hurt because it was recent. and even though all of these things still sting, i'm past the point of reprimanding any of these people. i've had time to heal and to realize that all of these things have happened for a reason. i could sit here and rip each of these people for the things they put me through, but what would i be solving? i'm trying to live my life in love. and adding new hate to everything isn't going to solve any of my problems. what's done is done and i've grown and become better because of it. so thank you to everyone who ever hurt me. whether or not it was on purpose, you've helped me. i only wish the best for you. good luck.
sincerely,
brianna.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

dear gammers,

i don't know that anyone else calls their grandma "gammers". but it's just what i've always called you. probably what my kids will call my mom, too. you passed away when i was five years old. i don't have a lot of memories from when i was that young, but i definitely remember you. just little things that you wouldn't think i would remember. like when you would come and get me after jordan and mom were asleep and we'd eat peaches and dry cheerios and watch gilligan's island. or how one halloween you dressed up as a witch and you had green skin and everything. or watching the lion king at your house and making fun of jordan by calling her a "scar lover". i wish you could have been here. i know you loved me. just the few, cloudy memories i have tell me that. but i would have loved to really know you. to see you at my performances. when i graduated, all i could think was how i wished you were there. i've talked to my mom about you and she's told me everything she knows. she's a lot like you. and she quit smoking recently, i'm sure you're proud. she misses you. i got the movie seven yesterday. i saw it and i remember mom telling me that it was the last movie you ever recommended to her and that she could never bring herself to watch it. so we're going to watch it together. i miss you. and i love you. and i'll be seeing you.
love,
brianna.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

dear mom,

this letter is supposed to be for someone i don't talk to as much as i'd like to. i was thinking of various friends who i miss and couldn't choose one. and then it hit me that it's really you who i'm supposed to write this letter to. you're my best friend. for a long time, you knew everything there was to know about me. and you still know me really well. but i've changed. and i don't think it's in a way that you wanted or are happy about. and i'm sorry for that. i wish i could have met all of your expectations because they were my expectations too. i've struggled so much this year with who i am and what i'm supposed to be doing. i just wanted to be the person i always saw myself being. and it;s taken me this long to realize that i am not that person. and i'm not supposed to be. and i really shouldn't want to be. i'm good the way i am. even thought i've realized this, i don't think you have. i know you love me no matter what but i think you still see this image of me in eighth grade saying i'm going to law school. i wish i could. but it's not for me. and i don't feel like i can tell you what i want now because you won't approve or you'll disagree. and that's hard on me, mom. because i need to know that you've got my back even if i'm doing something you aren't really a fan of. i'm going to finish applying to cornish. i'm going to mail in my audition. but i don't know if that's exactly right for me yet. i found an abroad program where i can be an au pair in ireland or england. i'd get paid for it. and i can go for a year or longer. i want this. i need to travel. i need to see all of the beautiful places i've dreamt about forever. i've already applied. i hope you're okay with that. and i hope that we can fix whatever broke between us. i love you, mom. i just want you to know that.
love,
brianna.

Friday, July 2, 2010

dear twelve year old self,

today i'm supposed to write a letter to someone i wish i could meet. i think i'm supposed to name someone famous. honestly, it was a tie between you and the love of my life. i don't care anymore about fame. about images and people and what they are and what they do. it's not that i have no love for other people, it's that i could care less where their road is taking them. i realized that i've been so concerned with other people and their hurts and joys and struggles and successes that i've missed out on my own. i'm not going to let my happiness and my decisions be influenced by the people around me anymore. twelve year old brianna, i have some things to tell you. middle school is awful. and you're going to feel alone. and that feeling is righteous because you're going to be alone. no one is going to like you and you won't have any friends. and this is so difficult to deal with. but later on you're going to find out that the people who enjoyed middle school actually piqued there and that sucks so badly it's not even funny. and you'll be told that you had no friends because people were intimidated by your mind. this is such an excellent thing. instead of being sucked in to all of the stupid middle school quandaries like two minute relationships and failing every class and becoming a poisonous bitch before you even had to wear a bra, you're going to excel mentally and know yourself better than most people do. now for high school. dying your hair blue is a stupid idea but i expect you to do it anyway. it defines you. chloe doesn't hate you but she thinks you hate her. you guys are going to end up best friends and she's going to teach you to be honest with yourself. it's a big deal. let her know how wonderful and beautiful she is. let her know that he's waiting for her and her patience is definitely going to pay off. hannah is going to be one of the greatest people in your life. you'll have your struggles. you're in high school, for God's sake. but allow yourself to open up to her and she'll teach you things. plus, she and her family are going to welcome you into their family and change you for the better. you and emily will grow apart and then grow together and then grow apart and then grow together. this is a good thing. it allows the two of you to learn new things from new people. you'll embrace it and so will she and that is why you have such an amazing friendship. steven is a big deal. first guy friend. and honestly, he's going to be one of the most loyal friends you will ever have. he'll hear you out and give you his honest opinion. you'd think you two would grow apart, but you really never do. there's just some common bond you have that is going to help you relate to each other even when you're in completely different stages of life. mary is there to offer wisdom ad strength when you're all out of it. she's also there to worry excessively but that's where you come in. you're going to help her relax. dayla will make you laugh harder than anyone, i promise. she's an amazing friend. she's always straight up with you and you're the same way with her. that's one of the ways she helps you grow up. davey comes in a little later but he's a real life saver. he;s real and honest and has amazing dreams. he's going to help you through a lot of difficult times and he's going to respect you as much as you respect him. and that's saying a lot. you have all of these amazing people in your life. but high school is not easy. you're going to hurt a lot. from friends being upset with you because of misunderstandings to boys that you like asking your advice on how to get your best friend. and i know college is a dream of yours, but it doesn't happen right away. and you're going to get really depressed over it. and just when you're about to quit, a light is going to come into your life. three lights, actually. named andrew, micah, and kevin. these amazing people are going to save you. but brianna, listen to me, don't dwell on it. love them. know them. see them. you're going to revolve your life around them and it won't seem bad at the time, but you're only hurting yourself. and them too, maybe. because you'll talk to them every day for a while. and then when you realize you're jeopardizing your sanity and your well being, you'll stop. just completely stop. and that's wrong. and now we're here. at this moment. i've decided to stop thinking about other people for a while. to stop considering them. because most of the time, their decisions don't affect me but i let my heart break over them anyway. i'm going to live my life the best i can. i'm going to do the things that make me happy. and i'm done caring what everyone else thinks. i still love everyone. i'm just not going to hurt myself trying to be what everyone wants anymore. this is me. take it or leave it. i wish you could learn this sooner, little brianna. but it wouldn't be the same. you need to go through everything to learn that life is not supposed to be lived in pain. just let it ride.
me.