Friday, May 14, 2010

i rode my heelies to the walmart.

i'm trying to learn that i am not this person. i'm not this person who hates and hurts and suffers. growing up, i always thought that my dream was to be loved. and who could blame me, right? we see all of these movies and read all of these books with these beautiful people who hurt for a little bit and then find each other. and because of one another their problems are solved. maybe for some people this is true. maybe this will happen to you. i hope it does, because it really is a pretty story. but i think as a child i had it backwards. my dream is not to be loved, but to love. i have found recently that i have made myself pretty difficult to love. no, i am not saying that i'm not lovable or that no one loves me, i just realized that i won't let anyone love me. why? why would i do this when it's all i've ever wanted? it's because i'm afraid. i think cowardice is one of the most unfortunate things a person can practice, so it's difficult for me to own up to it. but i know that i need to. i'm so scared of messing up, of being hurt or hurting someone who means the world to me, of regretting, that i don't try at all. what is that? who have i become? i am not that person. i won't be anymore. but i need to start from the beginning. i can't expect myself to heal all at once and i definitely can't expect myself to feel worthy right away either. so i'm going to start by challenging myself. my heart is full up to the brim with sweet words and songs. but those are not for me, they are for you. and what good would i be doing anyone to hold those things inside? everyone needs help sometimes. and help doesn't always take the form of giving someone a hand with their chores or answering a question your mom had about some actor in a movie. sometimes the only help we need is someone telling us that we're beautiful and worthy and that our lives are special and important. so i'm going to do that. because i can't think of one person who doesn't deserve to be loved completely. and i know that once i allow myself to love others, i'll allow myself to be really loved. and in a world like ours, love is really all we have. so why waste anytime doing otherwise?

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