Saturday, July 17, 2010

dear kevin,

do you remember our cowboys and indians party? how we played mao an obscene amount of times before finally getting tired of it? you might remember different things about that night, things i don't remember but that were important to you. or maybe weren't important, just vivid. i have the strangest memories of that night. like how you wore my glasses. and that chocolate santa clause i drew the balls onto. and thinking how easy it was for me to laugh with you. and i was shocked that i ever disliked you. no, i didn't dislike you. i just thought i ultimately would. when i came back home, i wasn't doing well. andrew and micah were good to me and they made me feel better frequently. but you were the real saving grace. i don't know if you're aware, but you have this knack for saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time. and i completely get your sense of humor. i know i've said all of this before, in your birthday gift. but i'm saying it now because i have a few things to add. this letter is supposed to be written to someone who is on my mind a lot and, right now, that's you. i hate what's happened and i can't help but feel responsible. i would never have meant for this to happen on purpose. you're so important to me. but i know i played a big part in how our friendship is now. i know we still have a friendship. but it's not the same one. it's not as strong as it used to be. i know this distance makes it difficult. but for six months we managed to work it out. i think i just got scared. because you're really leaving soon and i don't know how much i'll get to talk to you. once again, i've managed to prove my stupidity. because i always seem to choose the worst way possible to go about something while thinking that it's the best way. but i can't do this anymore. i miss you. so much. i miss sending you stupid pictures every time i see something that i thought was funny. i miss texting you all the time. i miss being called poopy mcbrocock. actually, no i don't. but i can live with it. i just need you to know that i messed up. and i'm sorry. and i'm going to try to fix this, because i know i'm responsible. i miss you. i love you. i think i told you once that i could tell you 'i love you' every minute and it wouldn't be enough. it's still incredibly true.
i love you. i love you. i love you.

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