Thursday, July 15, 2010

dear desire and expectation,

i wish i could write this letter. but i think to do that, i'd have to actually know what i hope to be. and, as my mom so aptly states, i can't just pick one dream. one day i want to go to seattle, and the next i want to work in a movie theater, and the next i want to move to ireland, and then culinary school, and then italy. there's no way i can choose. my dad told me that i'm not going to get a sense of direction until i leave it to the Lord. the worst part of this is that i already knew that. but, for some reason, i'm being proud. and i want to do this on my own. even though i know can't. i know that i wish i could be everything for everyone. but i can't. it literally breaks me when i know someone is upset with me for something. in a way that my family doesn't understand. i feel so alone sometimes. and i really handle it the wrong way. i push people away to save myself the pain of loving them. i'm still learning. i have about a billion more mistakes to make. but at least i'm not numb anymore. at least now when i think of things that would make anyone depressed i can cry a little bit. and when great things happen i'm genuinely happy. i'm not wearing this mask anymore that says, "i'm happy all the time." even though i thought i was. it's strange how we lie to ourselves. i need someone to shake me. honestly. someone should come over here right now and say, "stop it. just be you. stop trying to be what you think you should be." this is tough. i hate it. i hate being so far away from the people i love. and having the world i live in collapse around me. i'm not okay. i need a real friend right now. but i'm struggling to allow it. i guess i just hope that soon i'll let it be.

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