dear twelve year old self,

today i'm supposed to write a letter to someone i wish i could meet. i think i'm supposed to name someone famous. honestly, it was a tie between you and the love of my life. i don't care anymore about fame. about images and people and what they are and what they do. it's not that i have no love for other people, it's that i could care less where their road is taking them. i realized that i've been so concerned with other people and their hurts and joys and struggles and successes that i've missed out on my own. i'm not going to let my happiness and my decisions be influenced by the people around me anymore. twelve year old brianna, i have some things to tell you. middle school is awful. and you're going to feel alone. and that feeling is righteous because you're going to be alone. no one is going to like you and you won't have any friends. and this is so difficult to deal with. but later on you're going to find out that the people who enjoyed middle school actually piqued there and that sucks so badly it's not even funny. and you'll be told that you had no friends because people were intimidated by your mind. this is such an excellent thing. instead of being sucked in to all of the stupid middle school quandaries like two minute relationships and failing every class and becoming a poisonous bitch before you even had to wear a bra, you're going to excel mentally and know yourself better than most people do. now for high school. dying your hair blue is a stupid idea but i expect you to do it anyway. it defines you. chloe doesn't hate you but she thinks you hate her. you guys are going to end up best friends and she's going to teach you to be honest with yourself. it's a big deal. let her know how wonderful and beautiful she is. let her know that he's waiting for her and her patience is definitely going to pay off. hannah is going to be one of the greatest people in your life. you'll have your struggles. you're in high school, for God's sake. but allow yourself to open up to her and she'll teach you things. plus, she and her family are going to welcome you into their family and change you for the better. you and emily will grow apart and then grow together and then grow apart and then grow together. this is a good thing. it allows the two of you to learn new things from new people. you'll embrace it and so will she and that is why you have such an amazing friendship. steven is a big deal. first guy friend. and honestly, he's going to be one of the most loyal friends you will ever have. he'll hear you out and give you his honest opinion. you'd think you two would grow apart, but you really never do. there's just some common bond you have that is going to help you relate to each other even when you're in completely different stages of life. mary is there to offer wisdom ad strength when you're all out of it. she's also there to worry excessively but that's where you come in. you're going to help her relax. dayla will make you laugh harder than anyone, i promise. she's an amazing friend. she's always straight up with you and you're the same way with her. that's one of the ways she helps you grow up. davey comes in a little later but he's a real life saver. he;s real and honest and has amazing dreams. he's going to help you through a lot of difficult times and he's going to respect you as much as you respect him. and that's saying a lot. you have all of these amazing people in your life. but high school is not easy. you're going to hurt a lot. from friends being upset with you because of misunderstandings to boys that you like asking your advice on how to get your best friend. and i know college is a dream of yours, but it doesn't happen right away. and you're going to get really depressed over it. and just when you're about to quit, a light is going to come into your life. three lights, actually. named andrew, micah, and kevin. these amazing people are going to save you. but brianna, listen to me, don't dwell on it. love them. know them. see them. you're going to revolve your life around them and it won't seem bad at the time, but you're only hurting yourself. and them too, maybe. because you'll talk to them every day for a while. and then when you realize you're jeopardizing your sanity and your well being, you'll stop. just completely stop. and that's wrong. and now we're here. at this moment. i've decided to stop thinking about other people for a while. to stop considering them. because most of the time, their decisions don't affect me but i let my heart break over them anyway. i'm going to live my life the best i can. i'm going to do the things that make me happy. and i'm done caring what everyone else thinks. i still love everyone. i'm just not going to hurt myself trying to be what everyone wants anymore. this is me. take it or leave it. i wish you could learn this sooner, little brianna. but it wouldn't be the same. you need to go through everything to learn that life is not supposed to be lived in pain. just let it ride.
me.