Saturday, July 3, 2010

dear mom,

this letter is supposed to be for someone i don't talk to as much as i'd like to. i was thinking of various friends who i miss and couldn't choose one. and then it hit me that it's really you who i'm supposed to write this letter to. you're my best friend. for a long time, you knew everything there was to know about me. and you still know me really well. but i've changed. and i don't think it's in a way that you wanted or are happy about. and i'm sorry for that. i wish i could have met all of your expectations because they were my expectations too. i've struggled so much this year with who i am and what i'm supposed to be doing. i just wanted to be the person i always saw myself being. and it;s taken me this long to realize that i am not that person. and i'm not supposed to be. and i really shouldn't want to be. i'm good the way i am. even thought i've realized this, i don't think you have. i know you love me no matter what but i think you still see this image of me in eighth grade saying i'm going to law school. i wish i could. but it's not for me. and i don't feel like i can tell you what i want now because you won't approve or you'll disagree. and that's hard on me, mom. because i need to know that you've got my back even if i'm doing something you aren't really a fan of. i'm going to finish applying to cornish. i'm going to mail in my audition. but i don't know if that's exactly right for me yet. i found an abroad program where i can be an au pair in ireland or england. i'd get paid for it. and i can go for a year or longer. i want this. i need to travel. i need to see all of the beautiful places i've dreamt about forever. i've already applied. i hope you're okay with that. and i hope that we can fix whatever broke between us. i love you, mom. i just want you to know that.

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