Wednesday, July 7, 2010

dear oregon,

we've known each other for over half a year, boys. i think there are three parts to our friendship. the first is the "get-to-know-you" stage. this is where we decided whether or not we liked each other, asked the stupid questions everyone asks one another, and started to understand what boundaries there were. next was the "honeymoon" stage where everything was peachy keen and we all loved eachother and i thought that sun shone through each of your asses. it seems to me that we've hit a wall. this is the stage i think we'll call the, "wow, i'm shocked you're not completely perfect in every way" stage. i'm glad you're not perfect in every way. it's stupid. and i shouldn't have assumed that you ever were. i still love all of you, very much. and you're still my best friends. but i think i was putting too much of myself into you. i was too dependent on you. i was always afraid you would leave me or stop liking me one day or decide i was really a stupid girl. but i've recently realized that i need to have more faith in myself instead of depending on other people to give me that faith. we're such different people, you guys. a big part of me wants to go back to march where we were all so happy with each other and everything was good. because honestly, it;s not that way anymore. i am your friend. and i don't like to hear that something i told one of you in confidence has been relayed to the group. or that i'm being talked about behind my back. i can't have that in my life again. especially from people who i love so much. so i'm going to give you guys some time to figure yourselves out. to find out where your lives are going and who you're going to be. and i'm going to do the same thing. and then i'm thinking it would be wonderful if we could all be reacquainted. please don't feel like i'm upset with you or that i don't want to be friends anymore. because it's just the opposite. i want to save our friendships before they end up being mandatory or fake. i never want to feel like i have to talk to you and i never want you to feel like you have to talk to me. i want it to be something we want to do. and somehow we've lost that. you guys may not see it. but take a step back and look at what our friendship used to be and what it is now. we've lost communication with one another. there have been misunderstandings that have hurt our feelings. so i'll be the first one to say something. this isn't right anymore. this isn't the friendship we started. and i'll be damned if i'm going to watch it get flushed down the toilet. this letter is supposed to be written to someone i've drifted away from. so micah, andrew, and kevin, you know i love you. it's important to me that you all stay in my life. we don't need secrets and lies and gossip. we're not fifteen. i know we're all finding out what we're supposed to do with our lives. i have no idea what i'm doing yet. but i do know i want you guys there with me. i just want the relationships we had a few months ago. and i'm hoping we can fix this.

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