Thursday, June 17, 2010

dear crush,

i don't get it. honestly, i don't. but i guess it's true that you find things when you aren't looking for them. i've had my fair share of disappointment and you are absolutely no exception. but before you jump to conclusions you need to know that it's not you that i'm disappointed in. it's myself. because i just insist on setting myself up to be knocked down. i can't expect you to love me because i love you. that's just foolishness. i can't expect you to remember every word i say just because i remember every last detail that you mention. i can't expect you to see a light in me just because your light is all i care about anymore. i can't expect you to overlook that i'm terribly flawed just because i choose to see your flaws as part of your beauty. i can't expect you to want me because i want you. and that's the part that is the most difficult for me. i see all of these people around me, all of these people i love, all of these beautiful people. and they're all falling in love or being loved or starting new things with new people. and yet, here i am. i don't think it's wrong that i feel sad about this. and i don't think it's wrong for me to want more than what i've been given. but i hate it that i have no one to blame. because this is all my fault. because i have invested so much in you and emotionally exhausted myself loving you with all of me. and the only way you can love someone with everything you have without being completely crushed is for them to give you that love back from themselves. and how could i put that responsibility on you? it's not your fault that i am the way i am and that's just not who you're looking for. and try as i might to stop this, to make myself numb, i can't do it. because the pain of not having you in my life is way, way, way more painful than hurting because i just can't have you the way i'd like. so i need to tell you some things. you are beautiful. i mean this literally and figuratively. if i could look into your heart and really see all of your loves and passions and wishes, i'd probably be set for life. you have an incredible mind and your thoughts are so important. i hope you never believe otherwise. you make me laugh like no one can because you understand me like no one can. when you smile, i smile. how could i ever resist that? when you smile at me i feel like that smile is only for me. like you have it put aside just for when i say something that makes you laugh or when you say something that makes me laugh. i like just looking at you. not in a creepy way. in like a, "looking at each other" kind of way. it feels real. when you say nice things to me i feel like i deserve to know you. because i usually don't feel that way. you're so much and your capacity for things makes me feel small. but when i'm with you i feel safe. i know you'd protect me. and i wish you were with me always just so i'd know that you're near. the sound of your voice gives me butterflies. it takes about ten minutes for me to miss you after we just saw each other. i once had a dream where you held my hand and i woke up because my heart was beating too quickly. i have to say these things because if i don't, they are just going to sit in a drawer in my head and never come out. and i want you to know them. but i hope that you don't know this is about you. and if you do, you might be a little bit conceited. and you're also most likely mistaken. but maybe one day i'll tell you that this about you. because you're the most amazing person and you don't hear it nearly enough. and i love you. you're everything.
best regards,

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