Tuesday, November 16, 2010

every day i'm hustlin.

i know it's been a long time. i truly do. i miss writing though. i know i am by no means a writer, but it helps me. i think it is really the greatest way to get rid of all of the heavy stuff that piles on through the day. i moved. i know, "finally" right? it's definitely the hardest thing i have ever done. i miss my family. i don't like the idea that i can't just go tell my mom some stupid joke i just remembered. or hash my day out with my sister, who will tell me the absolute truth even if i'd rather she didn't. or hear my dad tell a stupid joke from in the kitchen and laugh at himself for too long. or walk to the store with my brother. or just lay with my puppy. i hate this. but i have more freedom now. to do what i want to do. and you know what they say. "with great power comes great responsibility." it's all too true. it's hard to go to a new place and have to take in all these new faces. figure out who you like and who you don't. or, who likes you for that matter. it's hard to finally get over someone and then start a new crush altogether too soon. i hate love. i hate it. it's never been good to me and i'll be hard pressed to believe it ever will. the feeling of hope is nice, but it is vastly overshadowed by the feeling of hopelessness that succeeds it. enough is enough. i'm putting my foot down. i'm going to try and write in this more. no promises or anything. but i have a whole week and a half here by myself next week. so my thoughts and i are going to have plenty of time together. i'm sure you'll all get a little taste of what that's like and run screaming from your computers. i'm going to go to bed now. hopefully davey will stop talking in his sleep, partly because it will keep me awake. mostly because it's creepy as hell.
goodnight.
-b.

Monday, September 13, 2010

it's really as easy as this.

i don't believe in love. i have for so long. i've invested so much of myself in this idea, this dream, that maybe one day i'll be happy. since i was able to comprehend anything, i've depended on the idea of a prince or a knight. or the best guy in high school. or the guy i meet at random. or the one who's been there all along. and it never works. could this simply be that a higher power is stopping me from wasting any time? yeah, sure. but i'm not buying it anymore. just because some people get lucky. just because some people get there. just because my parents are happy. so what? they got lucky. and luck and i don't really have the best track record. i'm not looking for a pity party. i'm just sick of hurting all the time. of always being disappointed and let down. i can't do it anymore. and if i just drop my expectations, i'll be better off. it;s hard to believe in something you've never seen first hand. and i'm used to it. if love never comes along, i won't be any worse off.
i just don't believe in love anymore.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

i almost quit this.

and then i didn't. it's just been slowlife, people. i've had acute bronchitis for two weeks, so i just need a break.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

what a capital idea!

how in the hell am i supposed to look good in a hard hat? answer me that. it is a feat with which i struggle every day. i'm learning new tricks though, guys. no worries. i'm hoping to say a lot more in this post. i know lately my posts have been sparse, and i apologize for that if it bothered you any. i've just been so overwhelmingly busy. it's 6:25 and i'm dead tired. it hasn't been like this since senior year when i was doing plays. i love it. i feel like myself again. i think that's a quality i get from my dad. he's my boss and honestly, i've never seen a more charismatic and strong leader than he is. i knew he was good at his job, but seeing him in action is something else altogether. my first day on the job, i was terrified going in. it was three in the morning, i walk onto this job site absolutely bursting with men and heavy equipment. seriously, the testosterone was almost tangible. i had no idea what i was going to be doing. all i knew was that i had to be direct and forward with people and if you know me, you know that's not something i'm good at. i'm about a mile away from my mom and dad all day around all of these strange, bulky dudes. people are getting angry at me because i won't let them cross the bridge due to safety hazards. it's hot as balls. there's no where to sit. and no where to pee. and guess what? i rocked it. my dad got five or six compliments on me the first day. i'm not here to brag. i'm writing this down because for the first time in a long time, i'm proud of myself. my mother and i are two of only four women on this job. and it's a one hundred man job. i've met some of the most amazing people and i'm only half way through my second week. there are three different companies working on the project. magnus is the company that supplies the money and safety regulations. they're the head honchos. contractor services group (csg) are the contractors actually working on the project. and traffic management incorporated (tmi) controls safety of pedestrians and flagging on construction, that's me. there's val (csg), who my mom says she'd marry if she hadn't met my dad. he's short and italian and has a wicked beard. today he asked me if i'd give him ten percent of my pay check because he's awesome. we're discussing payment options tomorrow. there's shelly (magnus) who makes biscuits and gravy for the whole crew on tuesdays. pappy (csg) told me i had balls for doing this job and that i'm a smart girl. he also told this guy he would kick his ass if he caught him looking at me funny again. he's freaking awesome. brad (tmi) works across the levee from me. he says the funniest things over the radio. like, "well, if i'd have known that was poison oak, i wouldn't have scratched my back with it." then there's tim (csg) who saw me take my vest off to put sunblock on and has been spreading the word that i need a pay raise because i also strip on top of the levee. the boss of csg, john, has a full sleeve. and my parents were concerned about my lip ring. pshaw. there's a man with ocd who walks by me every day and waves hello to me three times and good bye once. there was a lady who put a witch craft curse on me the other day. i told her to have a good one. i have this squirrel that i see every day. he's missing a leg but he runs faster than any squirrel i've ever seen. brad suggested i call him tiny tim, so i do. sorry for rambling, i just have a lot to catch up on. i don't want to forget anything about this. i play "you make my dreams come true" over my radio for my coworkers as often as i can. i wear a reflective vest, steel toed boots, and a hard hat. i wake up at five every day for the hour commute and get to work at 6:45. we have a safety meeting and then we do stretch and flex. tim dared me to touch my toes and when i did, he touched the ground palms down. i was like, "WTF?!" it's the hardest work i've ever done. but i laugh often and am growing closer with my parents through it. i appreciate them a lot more now. oh, i have a guy i like too. but i'm not going to say anything here in case he stumbles upon it and gets all freaked out. to the point though, he's adorable. i'm getting a phone this weekend. :) i'll text you, i'm sure.
i love your life,
brianna.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

writer's block.

this is supposed to be about someone i judged by my first impression of them. and i honestly can't think of anyone. at least, i can't remember my first impression of anyone who really matters. sincerest apologies,
-brianna.

Friday, July 23, 2010

a lovely compliment heard over my radio.

ron: "hey, bradley. do you hear those bells i was talking about yesterday?"
brad: "those aren't bells. that's brianna singing."
i love my job. and the people i work with. and the life that i'm living.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

i'm not dead yet.

but it's a work in progress. i'm dead tired, for sure. i can hardly keep my eyes open, guys. i stand on my feet more than a hooker. at least they have the luxury of lying down on the job. hit me up, please. i miss people.
-b.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

to whom it may concern,

out of clutter, find simplicity. from discord, find harmony. in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
that's all i have to say to you. good luck in life.
-brianna.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

dear kevin,

do you remember our cowboys and indians party? how we played mao an obscene amount of times before finally getting tired of it? you might remember different things about that night, things i don't remember but that were important to you. or maybe weren't important, just vivid. i have the strangest memories of that night. like how you wore my glasses. and that chocolate santa clause i drew the balls onto. and thinking how easy it was for me to laugh with you. and i was shocked that i ever disliked you. no, i didn't dislike you. i just thought i ultimately would. when i came back home, i wasn't doing well. andrew and micah were good to me and they made me feel better frequently. but you were the real saving grace. i don't know if you're aware, but you have this knack for saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time. and i completely get your sense of humor. i know i've said all of this before, in your birthday gift. but i'm saying it now because i have a few things to add. this letter is supposed to be written to someone who is on my mind a lot and, right now, that's you. i hate what's happened and i can't help but feel responsible. i would never have meant for this to happen on purpose. you're so important to me. but i know i played a big part in how our friendship is now. i know we still have a friendship. but it's not the same one. it's not as strong as it used to be. i know this distance makes it difficult. but for six months we managed to work it out. i think i just got scared. because you're really leaving soon and i don't know how much i'll get to talk to you. once again, i've managed to prove my stupidity. because i always seem to choose the worst way possible to go about something while thinking that it's the best way. but i can't do this anymore. i miss you. so much. i miss sending you stupid pictures every time i see something that i thought was funny. i miss texting you all the time. i miss being called poopy mcbrocock. actually, no i don't. but i can live with it. i just need you to know that i messed up. and i'm sorry. and i'm going to try to fix this, because i know i'm responsible. i miss you. i love you. i think i told you once that i could tell you 'i love you' every minute and it wouldn't be enough. it's still incredibly true.
i love you. i love you. i love you.
poopy.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

dear desire and expectation,

i wish i could write this letter. but i think to do that, i'd have to actually know what i hope to be. and, as my mom so aptly states, i can't just pick one dream. one day i want to go to seattle, and the next i want to work in a movie theater, and the next i want to move to ireland, and then culinary school, and then italy. there's no way i can choose. my dad told me that i'm not going to get a sense of direction until i leave it to the Lord. the worst part of this is that i already knew that. but, for some reason, i'm being proud. and i want to do this on my own. even though i know can't. i know that i wish i could be everything for everyone. but i can't. it literally breaks me when i know someone is upset with me for something. in a way that my family doesn't understand. i feel so alone sometimes. and i really handle it the wrong way. i push people away to save myself the pain of loving them. i'm still learning. i have about a billion more mistakes to make. but at least i'm not numb anymore. at least now when i think of things that would make anyone depressed i can cry a little bit. and when great things happen i'm genuinely happy. i'm not wearing this mask anymore that says, "i'm happy all the time." even though i thought i was. it's strange how we lie to ourselves. i need someone to shake me. honestly. someone should come over here right now and say, "stop it. just be you. stop trying to be what you think you should be." this is tough. i hate it. i hate being so far away from the people i love. and having the world i live in collapse around me. i'm not okay. i need a real friend right now. but i'm struggling to allow it. i guess i just hope that soon i'll let it be.
-brianna.

here's where i rescind.

i'm writing this from a touch phone. it's that important to me. and it is. i won't sleep until i clear this up. boys, i love you. i miss you every day. please re-read my oregon letter. but this time, know that i'm hating on myself. not on you. never on you. these misunderstandings hurt me deeply. please come to me next time you think i'm finished with you. as far as i'm concerned, i'll never be finished. i love you guys. always. please text me on my cousin's phone when you're done with this. i have more to say. i love you.
poopy.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

oh lawdy.

i drug test today. let's hope the cocaine is out of my system and i pass that mother f.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

dear peter pan,

and harry potter, and wendy, and ron, and hermione, and captain hook, and lord voldemort, and dumbledore. i'm supposed to write to someone from my childhood. since i already wrote to my mom and sister and me and my dad didn't kick it much and mathew was just a baby, i'm going to write to the only other people i knew. this is mainly because i had no friends. and i'm totally okay with that. because i was a well read individual before most of the kids my age could even spell their last names properly. yes, this is me flipping you off. i didn't need stupid monkey bars because i had neverland, and i didn't need club houses because i had hogwarts. while all of you little ankle biters ran around slurping up your own drool and passing herpes around in the third grade, i was actually learning things. it's a marvel, isn't it? and i don't feel badly for any of you. this is what you get for leaving me out and making fun of me. the ironic part is, you made fun of me because i was more intelligent than you. sadly, because i was so young, i didn't realize that you idiots were insulting yourselves. if i could go back in time, i'd be sure to comfort all of you in the thought that gas stations are always hiring. i'm not where i thought i'd be right now, but i'm getting there. my mom told me today that i need to just pick one of my dreams and roll with it. the only problem with that plan is that my dreams change everyday. right now, i want to go to AUR. tomorrow i may not. but whatever happens, happens. i'm sure you can tell the anger in this letter isn't really toward a bunch of third graders. i'm harboring a lot of rage over other things i refuse to talk about here. so it's nice to take it out on those little bitches. i hope it hurts. btw, thanks for helping raise me harry potter and peter pan. it's always a pleasure. to you other bitches, suck a dick.
-b.

Monday, July 12, 2010

modest mouse is the key.


i wish i could forgive you. but i get so angry every time i see you or anyone associated with you. and then i'm back where i was. and i wonder why it's always me apologizing in my dreams when you're the one who fucked up. you're the one who hurt me.

this is not a moon.


i'm doing the best i can. every morning i wake up and i pray for happiness. i tell myselfv i'm going to be happy. and i have been relatively happy. but i think i've only been happy because i've been lying to myself. i look back on these days where i thought i felt complete and whole and i realize i was only numb. like i took some anesthetic and applied it to my brain. i have all of these things i wish that i could be. i wish i could be happy. i wish it so much that i half way had myself convinced that i was. every time i have a sad thought or am reminded of something that tends to upset me, i ignore it. i get myself involved in something else. i take my mind off of the pain. and now i know that i'm not getting rid of it, i'm just putting it off. pain is inevitable. and i'm running back to the same fixes i used to. false fixes. things that don't help me but hurt me. does anyone know me? do you think you know me and you don't? let me tell you a few things. i avoid phone calls. i hate small talk with a passion. so if i haven't seen you in a while and i see you somewhere, i will do the best i can to avoid you. i promise. it never fails. i love my friends. i hate partying. it makes me feel sick to my stomach. and some of you, that's all that you do. you party. and you ask me to hang out and i feel sick to my stomach. i want to hurt myself all the time. sometimes i hope i sprain my ankle. just because it's consistent. it's something i can always count on. i avoid my reflection at all costs. i have a hard time trusting people. because it always gets back to me that they said something about me behind my back. and then i never trust them again. this is why i detach myself from people. why give my heart to someone who is going to give it to someone else when i'm not looking? i'm sick of trying to be everything. i'm sick of existing for the people around me. for once, i'd like to want to wake up in the morning for me. because i want to see the day. i'd like to go one day without being afraid that i have no future. that i have no talents. that i'm stupid. worst of all, that no one will want me. i haven't seen any evidence of it thus far. everyone i want either likes my best friend, thinks i have a "nice personality", or lies to me. i'm very done. i'm done being hurt by people. i want to stop the world for a little while so i can have some peace. so i can be happy jusy being me. but it won't happen. tomorrow, i'll wake up in the hopes that maybe one day i'll be good enough for this stupid guy. i always think i'm over him and then he pops up in my subconscious and wrecks everything. just pray for me please. i obviously need it.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

dear danielle,

this letter is to be written to someone out of my state. and you're the person i'd like to write to. i really appreciate you. knowing that you read these things that i write is very important to me. and i want you to know i read everything that you write too. i think i'm going to start commenting on them, actually. because i know it's nice to have some feedback. you're an amazing person, danielle. i know you're going through some struggles right now. it's best to focus on the things that make you happy. don't let the concerns you have for other people bring you down. i know what that's like. and i can tell you from experience that it feels so much better to be free of that. of everyone else's worries and problems. it's important to care for them still. but we don't need to take on their burdens. once you realize that a huge amount of the hurt and confusion in your life is actually the hurt and confusion in everyone else's life, you can let it go. for one minute, think about only you. about what makes you happy and where you need to go and be. think about the moments in your life when you're the happiest and the saddest. and get rid of the sad things. it sounds difficult. but once you realize that life is not about being in pain and being confused all the time, it's really easy to drop those unnecessary feelings. you have such a brilliant mind and so much potential to unleash on the world. don't doubt yourself. let it ride. that's what life is. it's not only about the struggles and pain. just let it ride. that's the best advice i can give to you. it's true freedom being able to walk out the door and just smell the air. to be able to just listen to music. or just watch a movie. it's the "just" things that matter. let yourself be happy. wholly happy. and then your life is going where it needs to go. other people matter. but other people don't matter. be happy, danielle. i have my sincerest wishes and hopes that you will be completely happy. if something is bothering you right now, as you're reading this, drop it. let it go. make yourself some tea or coffee and sit down with a great book. or a great movie. turn off your phone. find contentedness in being with yourself doing something you enjoy. you have this ability. you're such a strong person. have faith in yourself. you're going places, kid.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
love,
brianna.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

dear chloe,

this letter is supposed to be to the person i miss the most. i miss a lot of people a lot of the time. but right now i find myself regretting the most with you. you were the only one of my best friends who stayed near me. you were in yuba city almost every day. and i didn't come and see you. i mean, i did. i actually did as often as i could. but it's difficult i guess because you just moved away. and i don't have the option of just going and seeing you when i'd like to. i'm sorry for that, chlo. i love you so much. you're one of the most important people in my life and i am who i am because of you. i'll be seeing you soon, i know it. please forgive me for not going out of my way more. you're definitely worth it. i love you, chloworm.
love,
brianna.

there's no such thing as home.

it's all just an idea, i promise. this home that you think is home is really just the first one. it's like, we have this family. and we go off and we do stuff and eventually, we start ourselves a new family. and then our family will go off and start more families. and really it's just this whole chain reaction of like, creation. then we try to classify it in stages so that we can find comfort in where we're at, at that one particular moment in time. and really, there's no such thing as time. and we are all just walking, talking patterns.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

dear oregon,

we've known each other for over half a year, boys. i think there are three parts to our friendship. the first is the "get-to-know-you" stage. this is where we decided whether or not we liked each other, asked the stupid questions everyone asks one another, and started to understand what boundaries there were. next was the "honeymoon" stage where everything was peachy keen and we all loved eachother and i thought that sun shone through each of your asses. it seems to me that we've hit a wall. this is the stage i think we'll call the, "wow, i'm shocked you're not completely perfect in every way" stage. i'm glad you're not perfect in every way. it's stupid. and i shouldn't have assumed that you ever were. i still love all of you, very much. and you're still my best friends. but i think i was putting too much of myself into you. i was too dependent on you. i was always afraid you would leave me or stop liking me one day or decide i was really a stupid girl. but i've recently realized that i need to have more faith in myself instead of depending on other people to give me that faith. we're such different people, you guys. a big part of me wants to go back to march where we were all so happy with each other and everything was good. because honestly, it;s not that way anymore. i am your friend. and i don't like to hear that something i told one of you in confidence has been relayed to the group. or that i'm being talked about behind my back. i can't have that in my life again. especially from people who i love so much. so i'm going to give you guys some time to figure yourselves out. to find out where your lives are going and who you're going to be. and i'm going to do the same thing. and then i'm thinking it would be wonderful if we could all be reacquainted. please don't feel like i'm upset with you or that i don't want to be friends anymore. because it's just the opposite. i want to save our friendships before they end up being mandatory or fake. i never want to feel like i have to talk to you and i never want you to feel like you have to talk to me. i want it to be something we want to do. and somehow we've lost that. you guys may not see it. but take a step back and look at what our friendship used to be and what it is now. we've lost communication with one another. there have been misunderstandings that have hurt our feelings. so i'll be the first one to say something. this isn't right anymore. this isn't the friendship we started. and i'll be damned if i'm going to watch it get flushed down the toilet. this letter is supposed to be written to someone i've drifted away from. so micah, andrew, and kevin, you know i love you. it's important to me that you all stay in my life. we don't need secrets and lies and gossip. we're not fifteen. i know we're all finding out what we're supposed to do with our lives. i have no idea what i'm doing yet. but i do know i want you guys there with me. i just want the relationships we had a few months ago. and i'm hoping we can fix this.
love,
poopy.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

dear mr. murphy,

sorry i tp'd your house that time.
-brianna.

Monday, July 5, 2010

dear etc.,

i'm supposed to write this letter to the person who hurt me the most. it's not so easy to do. i think it really depends on how fresh the wound is for me to judge who hurt me the most. maybe in fourth grade when emily mckay tried to tell the police that my mom hit her i would have found that the most hurtful thing, because it was recent. maybe in tenth grade when sebastian openly slandered me in front of all of my friends because lukas told him to i would have thought that the worst pain i've ever felt, because it was recent. maybe when jakob rust lied to me last summer and told me he liked me but that he liked his girlfriend too, that would have hurt because it was recent. and even though all of these things still sting, i'm past the point of reprimanding any of these people. i've had time to heal and to realize that all of these things have happened for a reason. i could sit here and rip each of these people for the things they put me through, but what would i be solving? i'm trying to live my life in love. and adding new hate to everything isn't going to solve any of my problems. what's done is done and i've grown and become better because of it. so thank you to everyone who ever hurt me. whether or not it was on purpose, you've helped me. i only wish the best for you. good luck.
sincerely,
brianna.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

dear gammers,

i don't know that anyone else calls their grandma "gammers". but it's just what i've always called you. probably what my kids will call my mom, too. you passed away when i was five years old. i don't have a lot of memories from when i was that young, but i definitely remember you. just little things that you wouldn't think i would remember. like when you would come and get me after jordan and mom were asleep and we'd eat peaches and dry cheerios and watch gilligan's island. or how one halloween you dressed up as a witch and you had green skin and everything. or watching the lion king at your house and making fun of jordan by calling her a "scar lover". i wish you could have been here. i know you loved me. just the few, cloudy memories i have tell me that. but i would have loved to really know you. to see you at my performances. when i graduated, all i could think was how i wished you were there. i've talked to my mom about you and she's told me everything she knows. she's a lot like you. and she quit smoking recently, i'm sure you're proud. she misses you. i got the movie seven yesterday. i saw it and i remember mom telling me that it was the last movie you ever recommended to her and that she could never bring herself to watch it. so we're going to watch it together. i miss you. and i love you. and i'll be seeing you.
love,
brianna.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

dear mom,

this letter is supposed to be for someone i don't talk to as much as i'd like to. i was thinking of various friends who i miss and couldn't choose one. and then it hit me that it's really you who i'm supposed to write this letter to. you're my best friend. for a long time, you knew everything there was to know about me. and you still know me really well. but i've changed. and i don't think it's in a way that you wanted or are happy about. and i'm sorry for that. i wish i could have met all of your expectations because they were my expectations too. i've struggled so much this year with who i am and what i'm supposed to be doing. i just wanted to be the person i always saw myself being. and it;s taken me this long to realize that i am not that person. and i'm not supposed to be. and i really shouldn't want to be. i'm good the way i am. even thought i've realized this, i don't think you have. i know you love me no matter what but i think you still see this image of me in eighth grade saying i'm going to law school. i wish i could. but it's not for me. and i don't feel like i can tell you what i want now because you won't approve or you'll disagree. and that's hard on me, mom. because i need to know that you've got my back even if i'm doing something you aren't really a fan of. i'm going to finish applying to cornish. i'm going to mail in my audition. but i don't know if that's exactly right for me yet. i found an abroad program where i can be an au pair in ireland or england. i'd get paid for it. and i can go for a year or longer. i want this. i need to travel. i need to see all of the beautiful places i've dreamt about forever. i've already applied. i hope you're okay with that. and i hope that we can fix whatever broke between us. i love you, mom. i just want you to know that.
love,
brianna.

Friday, July 2, 2010

dear twelve year old self,

today i'm supposed to write a letter to someone i wish i could meet. i think i'm supposed to name someone famous. honestly, it was a tie between you and the love of my life. i don't care anymore about fame. about images and people and what they are and what they do. it's not that i have no love for other people, it's that i could care less where their road is taking them. i realized that i've been so concerned with other people and their hurts and joys and struggles and successes that i've missed out on my own. i'm not going to let my happiness and my decisions be influenced by the people around me anymore. twelve year old brianna, i have some things to tell you. middle school is awful. and you're going to feel alone. and that feeling is righteous because you're going to be alone. no one is going to like you and you won't have any friends. and this is so difficult to deal with. but later on you're going to find out that the people who enjoyed middle school actually piqued there and that sucks so badly it's not even funny. and you'll be told that you had no friends because people were intimidated by your mind. this is such an excellent thing. instead of being sucked in to all of the stupid middle school quandaries like two minute relationships and failing every class and becoming a poisonous bitch before you even had to wear a bra, you're going to excel mentally and know yourself better than most people do. now for high school. dying your hair blue is a stupid idea but i expect you to do it anyway. it defines you. chloe doesn't hate you but she thinks you hate her. you guys are going to end up best friends and she's going to teach you to be honest with yourself. it's a big deal. let her know how wonderful and beautiful she is. let her know that he's waiting for her and her patience is definitely going to pay off. hannah is going to be one of the greatest people in your life. you'll have your struggles. you're in high school, for God's sake. but allow yourself to open up to her and she'll teach you things. plus, she and her family are going to welcome you into their family and change you for the better. you and emily will grow apart and then grow together and then grow apart and then grow together. this is a good thing. it allows the two of you to learn new things from new people. you'll embrace it and so will she and that is why you have such an amazing friendship. steven is a big deal. first guy friend. and honestly, he's going to be one of the most loyal friends you will ever have. he'll hear you out and give you his honest opinion. you'd think you two would grow apart, but you really never do. there's just some common bond you have that is going to help you relate to each other even when you're in completely different stages of life. mary is there to offer wisdom ad strength when you're all out of it. she's also there to worry excessively but that's where you come in. you're going to help her relax. dayla will make you laugh harder than anyone, i promise. she's an amazing friend. she's always straight up with you and you're the same way with her. that's one of the ways she helps you grow up. davey comes in a little later but he's a real life saver. he;s real and honest and has amazing dreams. he's going to help you through a lot of difficult times and he's going to respect you as much as you respect him. and that's saying a lot. you have all of these amazing people in your life. but high school is not easy. you're going to hurt a lot. from friends being upset with you because of misunderstandings to boys that you like asking your advice on how to get your best friend. and i know college is a dream of yours, but it doesn't happen right away. and you're going to get really depressed over it. and just when you're about to quit, a light is going to come into your life. three lights, actually. named andrew, micah, and kevin. these amazing people are going to save you. but brianna, listen to me, don't dwell on it. love them. know them. see them. you're going to revolve your life around them and it won't seem bad at the time, but you're only hurting yourself. and them too, maybe. because you'll talk to them every day for a while. and then when you realize you're jeopardizing your sanity and your well being, you'll stop. just completely stop. and that's wrong. and now we're here. at this moment. i've decided to stop thinking about other people for a while. to stop considering them. because most of the time, their decisions don't affect me but i let my heart break over them anyway. i'm going to live my life the best i can. i'm going to do the things that make me happy. and i'm done caring what everyone else thinks. i still love everyone. i'm just not going to hurt myself trying to be what everyone wants anymore. this is me. take it or leave it. i wish you could learn this sooner, little brianna. but it wouldn't be the same. you need to go through everything to learn that life is not supposed to be lived in pain. just let it ride.
me.

Monday, June 28, 2010

dear internet friend,

i don't have an internet friend. everyone i talk to i've met in person. thank yaweh. that's it, i guess.
but i'm doing this, if you're interested.


stop buying unneccesary things.
toss half your stuff, learn contentedness.
reduce half again.
list four essential things in your life.
stop doing non essential things.
do these essentials first each day. clear distractions.
focus on each moment.
let go of the attachment to doing and having more.
fall in love with less.

Friday, June 25, 2010

dear past love,

i'm writing to all of you as a collective because that's what you are to me now. there is nothing special about any one of you. nothing that makes you stand out from the crowd. and i don't feel sad in the least that nothing ever happened between us because i can hardly see myself settling for the mediocrity you had to offer. maybe at the time i was hurt, maybe i felt unloved and unwanted. but now i know that the fact that each of you brushed me off or ignored my affections or asked me to help you get with my best friend or lied to me about having a girlfriend actually helped me out. because if i had ever been tied to any of you i'd be a very sad person. you're nothing to me now. you were nothing to me then either, i just didn't realize it. i am more important than the way you've each treated me. and i'm worth more than you managed to see with your small minded brains. i hope you find happiness, i truly do. i'm just incredibly glad it won't be with me.
cordially,
brianna.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

dear stranger,

hi. you don't know me. in fact, we never even exchanged names. but if you recall, i was the girl that you were going to sit next to on the train when they told us we had to double up for no apparent reason. i think you were a blessing because you reminded me so much of my grandma and i never really got to know her very well. so i just thought for that little while that you were very similar to her. it felt like maybe i got to know my grandma even though i really didn't. and that's really important to me. so thank you. i appreciate it. i hope you got where ever you were going safely. it was lovely to meet you.
best wishes,
brianna.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

dear dreams,

i have to admit i find it a little bit funny that i started slacking off when it came to writing to my dreams. i'm not quite sure if i'm supposed to write to my ambitions or to the dreams i have while i sleep, so i'll talk to both. to my ambitions, i hope i meet you someday. i don't have only one idea of the future. i have about a million different ways that things could pan out and i'd be happy with any of them. then again, there's always the chance that none of my hopes come true. but i truly believe that whatever happens in my life is supposed to happen. and even if it's nothing i've thought of, it may be the best future i could have ever dreamt of. the other night my cousin said, "God knows what we're supposed to do and what's supposed to happen. so why don't we stop trying to make things go our way and just let Him do His thing?" it was a real eye opener for me. because i keep trying to control my situations. my sadness and hurt and anger. and if i'd just let those go, everything will happen. it's not easy and i know this, but i have to try it before i knock it. so i'm going to. i'm going to leave my life in His hands and pray for the best. secondly, to my night time dreams, could you quit it with the bad stuff? i like to sleep through the night and all of your yammering keeps me awake. okay, thanks.
sincerely,
brianna.

que sera, sera.

for a while i had myself convinced that i care. incidentally, i don't care about you. or your sad little life with your sad little friends. because you have no grasp of reality and you're living in the past. and i'm finally okay with forgetting you.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

dear sister,

i just have to say thank you. thank you for being there for me all the time. i can't imagine a life without you. you know everything about me. and, i hate to admit it, but you've given me the best advice of anyone i know. i say i hate to admit it because sometimes you say what i need to hear but not what i want to. and even though it hurts me to hear it most of the time, i'm really grateful for your honesty with me. because i know it's all in love. and that means everything to me. you know me better than anyone does, jordan. you know the weird, sick thoughts i have and how to use them against me. you know that i tend to fall head over heels for the one person who is least likely to fall for me. you know what my face looks like when i'm sad or lying or hiding a laugh or winning an ugly face competition. because, let's face it little sister, i totally win those. totes mcgotes. i love the person that you've grown into. the person who makes me laugh all the time by saying stupid lines from movies or being really rude to mom or telling me that my voice hits a certain pitch that makes you want to kill yourself. there have been so many times in the last year that i've hurt so badly. i thought i'd never get out of the hole i was in. but you'd always just listen to me. or give me a hug. you saved me, yord. you are one of the main reasons that i'm okay right now. you're one of the most intelligent people i know and you're going places, little sister. please do me a favor and don't sell yourself short. yes, you are wonderful at doing hair. yes, you're very fashion forward. but you're also gifted in math and science and that is so rare, jordan. don't just throw that talent away. you have so much to offer the world. and no matter which direction you take your life, i know you'll make the right choice. you have a really good head on your shoulders. and in your pants. HEYO. didn't expect that, did you? God karen, you're so stupid! i have to take this moment to apologize to you. i'm so sorry i scared you. i know i scared you this past year because i told you things that frightened you. they frightened me too. i was hurting so badly. and you were the only person i had to talk to. but i realized the things that i was saying to you were scaring you, so i stopped. i'm sorry. i didn't even think about the affect it would have on you to hear the things i was thinking. but i want you to know that getting those things out really helped me a lot. and thank you for hearing me out. just thank you for being there for me, always.
love you, mean it.
brianna.

Friday, June 18, 2010

dear mom and dad,

i feel so blessed to say that i have the two of you as parents. one reason being that i have the both of you when so many kids don't have each of their parents in their lives. another reason being that i have been so privileged to get to know the two of you. you are what i aspire to have one day. a relationship like yours is a rare and beautiful thing and i am so glad that i have parents who showed me that it really is possible. i love you both as a collective, but i do have things to say to each of you personally. so here it goes. mom, you are the best friend i've ever had. not many people can say that about their mother. i know you've made mistakes and nobody is perfect. but the mistakes you've made have taught me so many things. the fact that you have always been completely honest with me about everything has helped me to grow and learn in a way i know many people can't. you've saved me from so many heartbreaks and loved me unconditionally. i have my fears, mom. i'm nervous about my future and i'm prepared to fail with every step i make. but you have helped me through every doubt. you've helped me to believe i am worth something. you are everything to me, mom.i can't wait for my kids to meet you. you'll be the best grandmother ever and they're going to love you so much. i hope i can be half as loving and kind and wonderful to my children as you've been to me. you're the only reason i've made it this far, mom. i need you every day and i always will. you're beautiful. dad, i'm so blessed to know you. you've gotten through so many things to get to me and mom and jordan and mathew. you are a real man and a rock. you've taught me everything i know. and i don't think you know it, but everything i do and everything i try is for you. i want so badly to make you proud of me. to be everything you wanted for me. and i know i fall a lot and i get ashamed of myself, but you always pick me back up and dust me off. you're an amazing father. truly, the best man i know. i hope i marry someone half as decent as you are, dad. because eve being half as decent as you gets me a catch. this last year has been a struggle for me but the way you loved me and encouraged helped me to make it out alive. i love you, dad. you're a rock. i love you both so much. and i hope one day i an be everything i can be for you both. you're such amazing human beings. thank you for being the best parents i could have asked for.
i love you.
brianna.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

dear crush,

i don't get it. honestly, i don't. but i guess it's true that you find things when you aren't looking for them. i've had my fair share of disappointment and you are absolutely no exception. but before you jump to conclusions you need to know that it's not you that i'm disappointed in. it's myself. because i just insist on setting myself up to be knocked down. i can't expect you to love me because i love you. that's just foolishness. i can't expect you to remember every word i say just because i remember every last detail that you mention. i can't expect you to see a light in me just because your light is all i care about anymore. i can't expect you to overlook that i'm terribly flawed just because i choose to see your flaws as part of your beauty. i can't expect you to want me because i want you. and that's the part that is the most difficult for me. i see all of these people around me, all of these people i love, all of these beautiful people. and they're all falling in love or being loved or starting new things with new people. and yet, here i am. i don't think it's wrong that i feel sad about this. and i don't think it's wrong for me to want more than what i've been given. but i hate it that i have no one to blame. because this is all my fault. because i have invested so much in you and emotionally exhausted myself loving you with all of me. and the only way you can love someone with everything you have without being completely crushed is for them to give you that love back from themselves. and how could i put that responsibility on you? it's not your fault that i am the way i am and that's just not who you're looking for. and try as i might to stop this, to make myself numb, i can't do it. because the pain of not having you in my life is way, way, way more painful than hurting because i just can't have you the way i'd like. so i need to tell you some things. you are beautiful. i mean this literally and figuratively. if i could look into your heart and really see all of your loves and passions and wishes, i'd probably be set for life. you have an incredible mind and your thoughts are so important. i hope you never believe otherwise. you make me laugh like no one can because you understand me like no one can. when you smile, i smile. how could i ever resist that? when you smile at me i feel like that smile is only for me. like you have it put aside just for when i say something that makes you laugh or when you say something that makes me laugh. i like just looking at you. not in a creepy way. in like a, "looking at each other" kind of way. it feels real. when you say nice things to me i feel like i deserve to know you. because i usually don't feel that way. you're so much and your capacity for things makes me feel small. but when i'm with you i feel safe. i know you'd protect me. and i wish you were with me always just so i'd know that you're near. the sound of your voice gives me butterflies. it takes about ten minutes for me to miss you after we just saw each other. i once had a dream where you held my hand and i woke up because my heart was beating too quickly. i have to say these things because if i don't, they are just going to sit in a drawer in my head and never come out. and i want you to know them. but i hope that you don't know this is about you. and if you do, you might be a little bit conceited. and you're also most likely mistaken. but maybe one day i'll tell you that this about you. because you're the most amazing person and you don't hear it nearly enough. and i love you. you're everything.
best regards,
brianna.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

dear best friend,

dear dawnsy,
seven years. wow. that is an incredibly long time for two people to have a friendship. especially a friendship as tightly wound as ours. i'm not going to say it's been easy. we've each had our struggles and hurts and heartbreaks. but know that i can honestly say that it would have been way more difficult for me if i didn't have you there. you stood up for me when i wouldn't do it for myself, you came to every one of my performances, you suffered through california summers with me, you made me laugh about ridiculous things, you let me cry it out and told me i was worth it, you helped me through the worst part of my life and you helped me through the best. i know our lives are going in different directions and we always knew this would happen because we're completely different people. but i know that just because our lives are taking us to new places doesn't mean we can't join each other for the ride. you're a part of my family and i think i can safely say i'm a part of yours. thank you so much for being a friend to me, dawn. i am who i am because of you. and i love you very much. i hope you know how important you are to me, even if i don't say it all the time. you're a rock to me. thank you.
love,
brianna.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

i can feel a hot one.

it's awful when you think you're really happy and then you realize that you aren't. not even a little bit. i'm tired of feeling. i just want to find my off switch and flip it.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

ooh la la.


it's three thirty and i am up doing micah's homework. i'm tired, party people. but i gotta do t i gotta do, right? so right.


Friday, June 4, 2010

last day.








dude. straight up. i hella do.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

two days.

i want to go to sleep.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

three days.


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

four days.


dear kevin, i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i pushed it. because i think it upset you and i don't ever want that. and i'm not going to address it anymore. because i realized it really doesn't matter to me. it really doesn't. but you do.


i'm really struggling with this. it's affecting me in a way i don't think you know.

Monday, May 31, 2010

five days.

pulling weeds is the worst form of torture. it must have been in alighieri's seventh circle.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

six days.

i would rather be charlotte charles than myself. not only because she's beautiful but because even though she can't touch the pie maker, at least she knows that he's in love with her.


and oh, the familiar sting of rejection. does it last forever? i hate going to weddings. they just remind me that i'll probably never get married.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

seven days.

i really want to see macgruber. somethin fierce. anyone wanna go with me?


Friday, May 28, 2010

eight days.

the hardest part about going somewhere is knowing that you have to come back.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

nine days.


when my soul saw you, it kind of went, "oh. there you are. i've been looking for you."

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Monday, May 24, 2010

twelve days.


your virtue is my privilege: for that
it is not night when i do see your face,
therefore i think i am not in the night.
nor doth this wood lack worlds of company,
for you in my respect are all the world.
then how can it be said i am alone,
when all the world is here to look on me?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

fourteen days.

i always say, "everything happens for a reason." and i firmly believe that. or, i did. but last night a good friend of mine said, "no, i don't believe that. jesus wouldn't make horrible things happen. i think that bad things happen and we can choose what to make from them." and that makes more sense, i think. so i'm gonna go with that.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

sixteen days.

l'heure du choix a sonne.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

seventeen days.

when did being a lesbian become cooler than blowing a rockstar?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

eighteen days.

do you ever find yourself thinking, "i wish i were beautiful" ?

Sunday, May 16, 2010

twenty days.

i'm reading survivor right now. it's a palahniuk book. i've read it once before and i enjoyed it. i just realize why i need to take time between my bouts of palahniuk ingestion. yes, the man is a genius. yes, his writing provokes more thought in me than any other writing ever has or will. but it's all the truth. and we all know that nobody wants to hear the whole truth about anything. if you're out there looking all indignant, saying that you do want the truth, then start by being honest with yourself. you don't really want to know if you look fat in that dress. or if you're ugly. or if you annoy everyone around you. we ask those things so that people will tell us we aren't those things. that we look fabulous in that dress and we're beautiful and that everyone loves us. don't lie, it's true. so when you're reading palahniuk and he's telling you about the rush some people get from murder or the smell of someone's head after you just shot a bullet through it or the humiliation some men go through just to masturbate, you have to remind yourself it isn't just a story. this is real stuff. these things actually happen. and i get a real kick out of knowing that there is someone out there who's brave enough to write it all down. who has no problem making people feel uncomfortable. chuck palahniuk is a visionary. i suggest you open your mind a little bit, no matter how difficult it is to hear. because once you get over that hurdle, just about anything is possible. and hey, i bet you're beautiful. i think you are.

Friday, May 14, 2010

i rode my heelies to the walmart.


i'm trying to learn that i am not this person. i'm not this person who hates and hurts and suffers. growing up, i always thought that my dream was to be loved. and who could blame me, right? we see all of these movies and read all of these books with these beautiful people who hurt for a little bit and then find each other. and because of one another their problems are solved. maybe for some people this is true. maybe this will happen to you. i hope it does, because it really is a pretty story. but i think as a child i had it backwards. my dream is not to be loved, but to love. i have found recently that i have made myself pretty difficult to love. no, i am not saying that i'm not lovable or that no one loves me, i just realized that i won't let anyone love me. why? why would i do this when it's all i've ever wanted? it's because i'm afraid. i think cowardice is one of the most unfortunate things a person can practice, so it's difficult for me to own up to it. but i know that i need to. i'm so scared of messing up, of being hurt or hurting someone who means the world to me, of regretting, that i don't try at all. what is that? who have i become? i am not that person. i won't be anymore. but i need to start from the beginning. i can't expect myself to heal all at once and i definitely can't expect myself to feel worthy right away either. so i'm going to start by challenging myself. my heart is full up to the brim with sweet words and songs. but those are not for me, they are for you. and what good would i be doing anyone to hold those things inside? everyone needs help sometimes. and help doesn't always take the form of giving someone a hand with their chores or answering a question your mom had about some actor in a movie. sometimes the only help we need is someone telling us that we're beautiful and worthy and that our lives are special and important. so i'm going to do that. because i can't think of one person who doesn't deserve to be loved completely. and i know that once i allow myself to love others, i'll allow myself to be really loved. and in a world like ours, love is really all we have. so why waste anytime doing otherwise?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

i'd fight the yeti for a klondike bar.

so, special friends, it appears we meet again. when i call you special, i say it with the utmost respect. i don't mean you have down syndrome, although every last one of you does. you might be wondering, "oh my goodness, how very brazen of her to joke about down syndrome. i wonder if she feels bad?" and my answer to you all is, no. i do not. this is mainly because my mom raised me to not have feelings or care about other people. yesterday i was tired. all day. that's mainly what i did yesterday, was to be tired. i feel asleep on the couch but i was only half asleep and i was aware of everything going on around me. i don't know how to explain it, but it was terrifying. i kept trying to call out for my mom or something but i couldn't get any of my speech or motor skills to work. it was cweepy. later on dawn and i drove to gridley and then back here. and i worked on kevin's birthday present and watched the movie spread. in which ashton kutcher looks really, really hot but it has a suckass ending. i'd watch it again though, just to see him in those suspenders (kevin). my dad and i are going to yuba city now because starbucks is having happy hour and i'm totally down for that. but not down syndrome, like all of you. lots of assorted kisses.

Monday, May 10, 2010

but i ain't gonna go see it at midnight.

i'm at my friend dave's house (you don't know him) and my other friend dayla is with us. (you don't know him either.) no, i'm just kidding. you probably know dayla. you probably, maybe, hopefully know dave too. but if not, it is all your loss. we had a fun night last night. we ransacked the walmart in linda and dayla rode around in one of those lame little scooter things for those people who struggle with walking and whatnot. it was pretty funny but she got way more of a kick out of it than dave or i did. it was pretty funny though how when she reversed it was all, "BEEP BEEP BEEP!" and then we came back here and i showed dave some whitest kids you know and tim and eric videos. andrew, i don't know if you read this, but i have sad news. all of my friends here, aside from dawnathan, just really don't think tim and eric are funny. it breaks my heart, you know. i just heard on the telly that they're going to do something about california's gang violence at four o'clock today. all i have to say to those people is, "no. you're not." hopefully we're going to visit mcaa today. to see madame marks. and maybe a few of those other people who i actually like. did you know dave's wallet has mickey mouse on it? no. i'm not april fooling you. it does. i'll write more tonight. let you know what happens today, chums.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

boomshakalaka boom.

happy mother's day to all of you happy mothers out there. this morning started out rather bumpy, i daresay. my mom was all upset because dawn and i slept in. between you and i, i'm not a fan of the church i was raised in so i wasn't all too eager to get myself in there. but i had an incredibly fun night last night. i went swimming with dawnathan and my sisterdarling. in the NUDDYPANTS. i've never been quite so daring in my life, friends. and so i am turribly proud. and then dawn and i came back to her mum's pad and i made a beastly cheesecake that changed the lives of all who had the honor of being graced by it's exquisite taste. no, i'm just kidding. but it was pretty good. anyway, the point of this blog is for me to tell you how much i love my mother. if you've met her, you know she's not a normal mom. hell, if you've met me you know she's not a normal mom. but i couldn't have hoped to be raised by a more loving, inventive, hilarious, creative, and original person. and she is the reason i am the person i am today. and also, the reason most of my friends stick around. :P mom, if you read this, i want youto know that you're my best friend. i can't imagine surviving through this life without the guidance and love you've shown me. and i'm not even complaining about all of your wisecracks, sarcasms, and witticisms i've had to suffer through because, thank yaweh, i came out with those qualities. you're the most beautiful person i know and i can only hope to be half as brave, strong, and absolutely brilliant as you are. i love you, my mom. and i'll always, always be there to make sure that you don't fall asleep on the couch and get a crick in your neck. you're my reason, mom. thank you for everything.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

not feeling so hot.

i think, mentally, today is going to be a good day. i woke up at a decent hour, i'm with dawn, surrounded by family, we're going to take my cousin a dress so i get to visit her, dawn got a new phone that i'm in love with and that she's letting me use to text my dear friends. but physically i'm not too well. my ankle kills, first of all. i think maybe i should stop walking on it normally. because that hurts when i do that, and yet i still do. no, it's not some weirdo form of masochism. it's more of a pride thing. like, "oh yeah, i sprained my ankle again. but it's not so bad this time." even though i actually think it might be the worst this time. you'd think i'd realize it's not going to heal unless i start to treat myself with respect. but how about you let me know when the sky turns purple and i'll let you know that i respect myself? more importantly, on the physical thing, i'm feeling nauseous again. i woke up around eight and got dressed and felt completely ill, so i thought i'd lay down again and sleep it off. well, i just had a few hours of fevered sleep in which i slept on my ankle funny, worsening it's pain, and when i woke up i felt just as nauseous if not moreso. i don't want to throw up today. i'm tired of it. i just want a nice, pleasant day. what's wrong with me? seriously. but last night i made a really beautiful marble cake that i let cool over night. i was going to try it today but, lo and behold, i can't stomach anything. everyone told me it was bitching though. so i'm proud of myself. something else i thought was funny, jordan and i walked up to the store the other day and we were sharing my ipod and after a while she ripped the headphone out of her ear. i said, "jordan. why did you do that?" and she said, "you listen to the weirdest crap that no one's ever heard of. i'm not in the mood." i felt accomplished then. btw david, i don't know if you'll read this but i appreciated coffee yesterday and had an absolutely splendid time. definitely zero on the pants scale. :P okay, well i love you all. and i was thinking yesterday, all of the people i love are incredibly beautiful, intelligent, and just all around attractive people. i hope you're one of them, for your sake. lots of assorted kisses.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

i need to stop biting my nails.

the following is a list of movies i wanted to watch today:
zombieland
whip it
superbad
300
iron man
the matrix

i never got around to any of them. i hope i do soon. they all sound really appealing. by the way, who's going to see iron man 2 tonight? because i really envy you. not only will it be brilliant due to the nature of it's existence, but robert downey jr. will be gracing the screen with his presence and i feel very sad and hurt by the fact that i cannot see him. on the big screen. with his bod. but, que sera, sera i suppose. i think i'm going to go into the living room now and watch the proposal. and if you're thinking it's strictly because i get to see a hot, sweaty ryan reynolds chopping away at a log with an axe, you're correct. it's just a happy accident that he also cracks me up when he sings, "it takes two to make a thing go right! it takes two to make it outta sight!" i also love how sandra bullock totally drops it low around the fire. that made my life when i saw that. i'd like to go dancing with her someday. she can bring ryan reynolds and i'll bring robert downey jr. and we'll just have a good ol' time. someone asked me the other day, "if you had a friend who talked about you the way you talk about yourself, how long would they be your friend?" honestly, they wouldn't be my friend for very long. not long at all. what do you think you'd say? anyway, i'm off to view the supreme talents of ryan (probably ryan reynolds to you because you aren't best chums like we are.) lots of assorted kisses, sweet friends.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

the last of the mohicans.

i meant to post last night, but my dad decided he was going to defrag the computer and throw in some virus protection. so i just drugged myself and went to bed. i slept until three today. it felt positively fantastic. if sleeping were a career, i'd hit it up immediately. so, yesterday dawn and i sat around a bunch doing nothing and then went to gridley for the dolla tree. which made me late for glee. i was upset, needless to say. but i got the gist of it. and today i did pretty much the same. but i finished the austere academy and started the sweet and far thing. so i'm doing something kind of worthwhile. then dawnathan and i went on a drive because i can't stand being in one place for so long. it really helped to clear my mind. and now we're back home, my mother yapping in the kitchen about how i need to do the dishes and blah blah blah, jordan trying on her clothes for school tomorrow, dad lounging about in his room, mathew talking incessantly on the phone as per usual, and dawn is sitting in the living room waiting for me to do the dishes so that we can go to her mom's to watch taking woodstock. while we do that, she's going to do her homework and i'm going to work on kevin's birthday gift. please do me a favor and go listen to, "song to the siren" by this mortal coil. look at the lyrics while you do. it's really beautiful. oh, another thing, go to google, type in "google chuck norris" and click the i'm feeling lucky button. you won't regret it, i promise. lots of assorted kisses.

Monday, May 3, 2010

and today was a day just like any other.

my ankle is sprained again. i'm to the point where if it's not in pain every few weeks i suspect something is the matter. anyway, i walked on it a lot today so that definitely didn't help. but i believe my ankle may have laughed earlier due to the fact that dawn ran over my little brother's foot. he had a tire mark on it and everything. she felt really awful, but it was truly his fault. the car was still moving and he tried to get out. silly little bitch. anyway, that definitely brightened my mood. then dawn and i went to the bank to cash her check, came back to live oak to get her marriage license so she could legally change her name on her bank account, and went back to the bank. luckily for me, it was the wells fargo in bel air, so i got to look through magazines as i waited. and by magazines i mean the men's journal because the future father of my children was on the cover this month. for those of you less fortunate souls who are not acquainted with him, his name is robert downey jr. and i have every intention of creating offspring with him. because he's gorgeous and more talented than most humans. so, i'll tap it. anyway, dawn and i went out to dinner and immediately after i felt like i was dying. because for the last few months my body just decides sometimes that it's going to reject nutrition and make me feel like my insides are deteriorating. needless to say, it's a painful process. and i did heave. that's twice in one week. not my personal best, but definitely up there. top marks, i'd say. i make light of it, but it really is starting to take it's toll on me. throwing up shouldn't be common, that's not a good sign. did anyone find out how a raven is like a writing desk yet? hey, if i fall into a coma will somebody please come read peter pan to me? but you have to do with a british accent. it's pointless if read otherwise.

i'm not quite sure whether i'm making a mistake yet.

i've started a lot of blogs. some of them were incredibly short lived and others were far too extensive. but i always quit. and i can't make any promises here either. my mind is ever changing and i grow bored with myself a lot faster than most people grow bored of anything. but i think i manage better when i write things down. because i over think everything i do and everything i say and everything people say to me or do to me or ask of me. even the nice things, the lovely things. the things that make you want to smell flowers and feel the sun on your eyelids. those things make me cringe. not because they aren't beautiful but because i think on them to the extent that all i see are the ugly, traitorous thoughts my own mind has to offer. and so perhaps if i write them down they won't lurk around in my brain like lurking lurkers and i can enjoy the little things. but i guess we'll just have to see. lately i've been wondering, how is a raven like a writing desk? there must be something that the two share in common. maybe a long lost love? maybe a simultaneous day dream? or maybe they went to college together. i don't know. but thoughts are welcome. for now, i leave you with assorted kisses and the sentiment good day.