dear internet friend,

i don't have an internet friend. everyone i talk to i've met in person. thank yaweh. that's it, i guess.
but i'm doing this, if you're interested.


stop buying unneccesary things.
toss half your stuff, learn contentedness.
reduce half again.
list four essential things in your life.
stop doing non essential things.
do these essentials first each day. clear distractions.
focus on each moment.
let go of the attachment to doing and having more.
fall in love with less.

dear past love,

i'm writing to all of you as a collective because that's what you are to me now. there is nothing special about any one of you. nothing that makes you stand out from the crowd. and i don't feel sad in the least that nothing ever happened between us because i can hardly see myself settling for the mediocrity you had to offer. maybe at the time i was hurt, maybe i felt unloved and unwanted. but now i know that the fact that each of you brushed me off or ignored my affections or asked me to help you get with my best friend or lied to me about having a girlfriend actually helped me out. because if i had ever been tied to any of you i'd be a very sad person. you're nothing to me now. you were nothing to me then either, i just didn't realize it. i am more important than the way you've each treated me. and i'm worth more than you managed to see with your small minded brains. i hope you find happiness, i truly do. i'm just incredibly glad it won't be with me.
cordially,
brianna.

dear stranger,

hi. you don't know me. in fact, we never even exchanged names. but if you recall, i was the girl that you were going to sit next to on the train when they told us we had to double up for no apparent reason. i think you were a blessing because you reminded me so much of my grandma and i never really got to know her very well. so i just thought for that little while that you were very similar to her. it felt like maybe i got to know my grandma even though i really didn't. and that's really important to me. so thank you. i appreciate it. i hope you got where ever you were going safely. it was lovely to meet you.
best wishes,
brianna.

dear dreams,

i have to admit i find it a little bit funny that i started slacking off when it came to writing to my dreams. i'm not quite sure if i'm supposed to write to my ambitions or to the dreams i have while i sleep, so i'll talk to both. to my ambitions, i hope i meet you someday. i don't have only one idea of the future. i have about a million different ways that things could pan out and i'd be happy with any of them. then again, there's always the chance that none of my hopes come true. but i truly believe that whatever happens in my life is supposed to happen. and even if it's nothing i've thought of, it may be the best future i could have ever dreamt of. the other night my cousin said, "God knows what we're supposed to do and what's supposed to happen. so why don't we stop trying to make things go our way and just let Him do His thing?" it was a real eye opener for me. because i keep trying to control my situations. my sadness and hurt and anger. and if i'd just let those go, everything will happen. it's not easy and i know this, but i have to try it before i knock it. so i'm going to. i'm going to leave my life in His hands and pray for the best. secondly, to my night time dreams, could you quit it with the bad stuff? i like to sleep through the night and all of your yammering keeps me awake. okay, thanks.
sincerely,
brianna.

que sera, sera.

for a while i had myself convinced that i care. incidentally, i don't care about you. or your sad little life with your sad little friends. because you have no grasp of reality and you're living in the past. and i'm finally okay with forgetting you.

dear sister,

i just have to say thank you. thank you for being there for me all the time. i can't imagine a life without you. you know everything about me. and, i hate to admit it, but you've given me the best advice of anyone i know. i say i hate to admit it because sometimes you say what i need to hear but not what i want to. and even though it hurts me to hear it most of the time, i'm really grateful for your honesty with me. because i know it's all in love. and that means everything to me. you know me better than anyone does, jordan. you know the weird, sick thoughts i have and how to use them against me. you know that i tend to fall head over heels for the one person who is least likely to fall for me. you know what my face looks like when i'm sad or lying or hiding a laugh or winning an ugly face competition. because, let's face it little sister, i totally win those. totes mcgotes. i love the person that you've grown into. the person who makes me laugh all the time by saying stupid lines from movies or being really rude to mom or telling me that my voice hits a certain pitch that makes you want to kill yourself. there have been so many times in the last year that i've hurt so badly. i thought i'd never get out of the hole i was in. but you'd always just listen to me. or give me a hug. you saved me, yord. you are one of the main reasons that i'm okay right now. you're one of the most intelligent people i know and you're going places, little sister. please do me a favor and don't sell yourself short. yes, you are wonderful at doing hair. yes, you're very fashion forward. but you're also gifted in math and science and that is so rare, jordan. don't just throw that talent away. you have so much to offer the world. and no matter which direction you take your life, i know you'll make the right choice. you have a really good head on your shoulders. and in your pants. HEYO. didn't expect that, did you? God karen, you're so stupid! i have to take this moment to apologize to you. i'm so sorry i scared you. i know i scared you this past year because i told you things that frightened you. they frightened me too. i was hurting so badly. and you were the only person i had to talk to. but i realized the things that i was saying to you were scaring you, so i stopped. i'm sorry. i didn't even think about the affect it would have on you to hear the things i was thinking. but i want you to know that getting those things out really helped me a lot. and thank you for hearing me out. just thank you for being there for me, always.

love you, mean it.

brianna.

dear mom and dad,

i feel so blessed to say that i have the two of you as parents. one reason being that i have the both of you when so many kids don't have each of their parents in their lives. another reason being that i have been so privileged to get to know the two of you. you are what i aspire to have one day. a relationship like yours is a rare and beautiful thing and i am so glad that i have parents who showed me that it really is possible. i love you both as a collective, but i do have things to say to each of you personally. so here it goes. mom, you are the best friend i've ever had. not many people can say that about their mother. i know you've made mistakes and nobody is perfect. but the mistakes you've made have taught me so many things. the fact that you have always been completely honest with me about everything has helped me to grow and learn in a way i know many people can't. you've saved me from so many heartbreaks and loved me unconditionally. i have my fears, mom. i'm nervous about my future and i'm prepared to fail with every step i make. but you have helped me through every doubt. you've helped me to believe i am worth something. you are everything to me, mom.i can't wait for my kids to meet you. you'll be the best grandmother ever and they're going to love you so much. i hope i can be half as loving and kind and wonderful to my children as you've been to me. you're the only reason i've made it this far, mom. i need you every day and i always will. you're beautiful. dad, i'm so blessed to know you. you've gotten through so many things to get to me and mom and jordan and mathew. you are a real man and a rock. you've taught me everything i know. and i don't think you know it, but everything i do and everything i try is for you. i want so badly to make you proud of me. to be everything you wanted for me. and i know i fall a lot and i get ashamed of myself, but you always pick me back up and dust me off. you're an amazing father. truly, the best man i know. i hope i marry someone half as decent as you are, dad. because eve being half as decent as you gets me a catch. this last year has been a struggle for me but the way you loved me and encouraged helped me to make it out alive. i love you, dad. you're a rock. i love you both so much. and i hope one day i an be everything i can be for you both. you're such amazing human beings. thank you for being the best parents i could have asked for.

i love you.

brianna.

dear crush,

i don't get it. honestly, i don't. but i guess it's true that you find things when you aren't looking for them. i've had my fair share of disappointment and you are absolutely no exception. but before you jump to conclusions you need to know that it's not you that i'm disappointed in. it's myself. because i just insist on setting myself up to be knocked down. i can't expect you to love me because i love you. that's just foolishness. i can't expect you to remember every word i say just because i remember every last detail that you mention. i can't expect you to see a light in me just because your light is all i care about anymore. i can't expect you to overlook that i'm terribly flawed just because i choose to see your flaws as part of your beauty. i can't expect you to want me because i want you. and that's the part that is the most difficult for me. i see all of these people around me, all of these people i love, all of these beautiful people. and they're all falling in love or being loved or starting new things with new people. and yet, here i am. i don't think it's wrong that i feel sad about this. and i don't think it's wrong for me to want more than what i've been given. but i hate it that i have no one to blame. because this is all my fault. because i have invested so much in you and emotionally exhausted myself loving you with all of me. and the only way you can love someone with everything you have without being completely crushed is for them to give you that love back from themselves. and how could i put that responsibility on you? it's not your fault that i am the way i am and that's just not who you're looking for. and try as i might to stop this, to make myself numb, i can't do it. because the pain of not having you in my life is way, way, way more painful than hurting because i just can't have you the way i'd like. so i need to tell you some things. you are beautiful. i mean this literally and figuratively. if i could look into your heart and really see all of your loves and passions and wishes, i'd probably be set for life. you have an incredible mind and your thoughts are so important. i hope you never believe otherwise. you make me laugh like no one can because you understand me like no one can. when you smile, i smile. how could i ever resist that? when you smile at me i feel like that smile is only for me. like you have it put aside just for when i say something that makes you laugh or when you say something that makes me laugh. i like just looking at you. not in a creepy way. in like a, "looking at each other" kind of way. it feels real. when you say nice things to me i feel like i deserve to know you. because i usually don't feel that way. you're so much and your capacity for things makes me feel small. but when i'm with you i feel safe. i know you'd protect me. and i wish you were with me always just so i'd know that you're near. the sound of your voice gives me butterflies. it takes about ten minutes for me to miss you after we just saw each other. i once had a dream where you held my hand and i woke up because my heart was beating too quickly. i have to say these things because if i don't, they are just going to sit in a drawer in my head and never come out. and i want you to know them. but i hope that you don't know this is about you. and if you do, you might be a little bit conceited. and you're also most likely mistaken. but maybe one day i'll tell you that this about you. because you're the most amazing person and you don't hear it nearly enough. and i love you. you're everything.

best regards,

brianna.

dear best friend,

dear dawnsy,

seven years. wow. that is an incredibly long time for two people to have a friendship. especially a friendship as tightly wound as ours. i'm not going to say it's been easy. we've each had our struggles and hurts and heartbreaks. but know that i can honestly say that it would have been way more difficult for me if i didn't have you there. you stood up for me when i wouldn't do it for myself, you came to every one of my performances, you suffered through california summers with me, you made me laugh about ridiculous things, you let me cry it out and told me i was worth it, you helped me through the worst part of my life and you helped me through the best. i know our lives are going in different directions and we always knew this would happen because we're completely different people. but i know that just because our lives are taking us to new places doesn't mean we can't join each other for the ride. you're a part of my family and i think i can safely say i'm a part of yours. thank you so much for being a friend to me, dawn. i am who i am because of you. and i love you very much. i hope you know how important you are to me, even if i don't say it all the time. you're a rock to me. thank you.

love,

brianna.

i can feel a hot one.

it's awful when you think you're really happy and then you realize that you aren't. not even a little bit. i'm tired of feeling. i just want to find my off switch and flip it.

ooh la la.

it's three thirty and i am up doing micah's homework. i'm tired, party people. but i gotta do t i gotta do, right? so right.

last day.

dude. straight up. i hella do.

two days.

i want to go to sleep.

three days.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

four days.

dear kevin, i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i pushed it. because i think it upset you and i don't ever want that. and i'm not going to address it anymore. because i realized it really doesn't matter to me. it really doesn't. but you do.

i'm really struggling with this. it's affecting me in a way i don't think you know.