i almost quit this.

and then i didn't. it's just been slowlife, people. i've had acute bronchitis for two weeks, so i just need a break.

what a capital idea!

how in the hell am i supposed to look good in a hard hat? answer me that. it is a feat with which i struggle every day. i'm learning new tricks though, guys. no worries. i'm hoping to say a lot more in this post. i know lately my posts have been sparse, and i apologize for that if it bothered you any. i've just been so overwhelmingly busy. it's 6:25 and i'm dead tired. it hasn't been like this since senior year when i was doing plays. i love it. i feel like myself again. i think that's a quality i get from my dad. he's my boss and honestly, i've never seen a more charismatic and strong leader than he is. i knew he was good at his job, but seeing him in action is something else altogether. my first day on the job, i was terrified going in. it was three in the morning, i walk onto this job site absolutely bursting with men and heavy equipment. seriously, the testosterone was almost tangible. i had no idea what i was going to be doing. all i knew was that i had to be direct and forward with people and if you know me, you know that's not something i'm good at. i'm about a mile away from my mom and dad all day around all of these strange, bulky dudes. people are getting angry at me because i won't let them cross the bridge due to safety hazards. it's hot as balls. there's no where to sit. and no where to pee. and guess what? i rocked it. my dad got five or six compliments on me the first day. i'm not here to brag. i'm writing this down because for the first time in a long time, i'm proud of myself. my mother and i are two of only four women on this job. and it's a one hundred man job. i've met some of the most amazing people and i'm only half way through my second week. there are three different companies working on the project. magnus is the company that supplies the money and safety regulations. they're the head honchos. contractor services group (csg) are the contractors actually working on the project. and traffic management incorporated (tmi) controls safety of pedestrians and flagging on construction, that's me. there's val (csg), who my mom says she'd marry if she hadn't met my dad. he's short and italian and has a wicked beard. today he asked me if i'd give him ten percent of my pay check because he's awesome. we're discussing payment options tomorrow. there's shelly (magnus) who makes biscuits and gravy for the whole crew on tuesdays. pappy (csg) told me i had balls for doing this job and that i'm a smart girl. he also told this guy he would kick his ass if he caught him looking at me funny again. he's freaking awesome. brad (tmi) works across the levee from me. he says the funniest things over the radio. like, "well, if i'd have known that was poison oak, i wouldn't have scratched my back with it." then there's tim (csg) who saw me take my vest off to put sunblock on and has been spreading the word that i need a pay raise because i also strip on top of the levee. the boss of csg, john, has a full sleeve. and my parents were concerned about my lip ring. pshaw. there's a man with ocd who walks by me every day and waves hello to me three times and good bye once. there was a lady who put a witch craft curse on me the other day. i told her to have a good one. i have this squirrel that i see every day. he's missing a leg but he runs faster than any squirrel i've ever seen. brad suggested i call him tiny tim, so i do. sorry for rambling, i just have a lot to catch up on. i don't want to forget anything about this. i play "you make my dreams come true" over my radio for my coworkers as often as i can. i wear a reflective vest, steel toed boots, and a hard hat. i wake up at five every day for the hour commute and get to work at 6:45. we have a safety meeting and then we do stretch and flex. tim dared me to touch my toes and when i did, he touched the ground palms down. i was like, "WTF?!" it's the hardest work i've ever done. but i laugh often and am growing closer with my parents through it. i appreciate them a lot more now. oh, i have a guy i like too. but i'm not going to say anything here in case he stumbles upon it and gets all freaked out. to the point though, he's adorable. i'm getting a phone this weekend. :) i'll text you, i'm sure.
i love your life,
brianna.

writer's block.

this is supposed to be about someone i judged by my first impression of them. and i honestly can't think of anyone. at least, i can't remember my first impression of anyone who really matters. sincerest apologies,
-brianna.

a lovely compliment heard over my radio.

ron: "hey, bradley. do you hear those bells i was talking about yesterday?"
brad: "those aren't bells. that's brianna singing."
i love my job. and the people i work with. and the life that i'm living.

i'm not dead yet.

but it's a work in progress. i'm dead tired, for sure. i can hardly keep my eyes open, guys. i stand on my feet more than a hooker. at least they have the luxury of lying down on the job. hit me up, please. i miss people.
-b.

to whom it may concern,

out of clutter, find simplicity. from discord, find harmony. in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
that's all i have to say to you. good luck in life.
-brianna.

dear kevin,

do you remember our cowboys and indians party? how we played mao an obscene amount of times before finally getting tired of it? you might remember different things about that night, things i don't remember but that were important to you. or maybe weren't important, just vivid. i have the strangest memories of that night. like how you wore my glasses. and that chocolate santa clause i drew the balls onto. and thinking how easy it was for me to laugh with you. and i was shocked that i ever disliked you. no, i didn't dislike you. i just thought i ultimately would. when i came back home, i wasn't doing well. andrew and micah were good to me and they made me feel better frequently. but you were the real saving grace. i don't know if you're aware, but you have this knack for saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time. and i completely get your sense of humor. i know i've said all of this before, in your birthday gift. but i'm saying it now because i have a few things to add. this letter is supposed to be written to someone who is on my mind a lot and, right now, that's you. i hate what's happened and i can't help but feel responsible. i would never have meant for this to happen on purpose. you're so important to me. but i know i played a big part in how our friendship is now. i know we still have a friendship. but it's not the same one. it's not as strong as it used to be. i know this distance makes it difficult. but for six months we managed to work it out. i think i just got scared. because you're really leaving soon and i don't know how much i'll get to talk to you. once again, i've managed to prove my stupidity. because i always seem to choose the worst way possible to go about something while thinking that it's the best way. but i can't do this anymore. i miss you. so much. i miss sending you stupid pictures every time i see something that i thought was funny. i miss texting you all the time. i miss being called poopy mcbrocock. actually, no i don't. but i can live with it. i just need you to know that i messed up. and i'm sorry. and i'm going to try to fix this, because i know i'm responsible. i miss you. i love you. i think i told you once that i could tell you 'i love you' every minute and it wouldn't be enough. it's still incredibly true.
i love you. i love you. i love you.
poopy.